Tuesday, April 28, 2009

And the stress keeps a coming...

I don't know if I have the full energy to get into this now, but I'm a little stressed out from a phone call I just had with my mom and well, this blog is for stress ranting, so bear with me.

My mother and father split up back when I was 2. Both parties were in the wrong, in my opinion, and hell, they were very young. My mom moved us away and changed our last names to reflect her new husband by the time I was five. We referred to my father as sperm donor until I was 20, if we ever mentioned him at all. Throughout these years, I heard horror stories about how awful he and his family were, and at 18 I thought he wanted to kidnap me. When I was 20, I accidentally found him through his sister that we had limited contact with as children.

Turns out he wasn't this crazed manaic I had envisioned. Over the following 7 years (this june) I tried to understand his point of view while ducking the hatred coming from my mother for talking to him. Like I said, both parties were young, and after a lot of soul searching and questions on my part, I chose to keep him in my life.

This is the overlying issue that seems to cloud over my feelings for my mom's side of the family. Comments always seem to be made about how they feel about me talking to him, or how much they don't like him. I don't always take them well, I mean this is the person I now call my father. Plus, my father's side never has anything ill to say about my mother or that side of the family, so it just seems a little lopsided.

Conversations with my mom always seem to get to this point, where we hash over the same old stuff over and over, especially this topic. Hence, the blog post about tonight's phone call.

Blah Blah Blah (underlying guilt comment) blah blah blah...really that's not what I meant it to be...blah blah blah blah.

I may go more into depth about all of this in the coming months as Ash and my main concern is bringing our own child into a mix of "Grandpa's the devil" kind of conversations my mom's side may (or may not) seep into our child's brain. Ash's opinion is that it will lead to us never leaving a baby alone with that side of the family (both for this reason, and our difference in religion...he's pretty sure they'll be told that their parents are the devil too).

I ended up hanging up on her (it often leads to that) and after many texts and voicemails, I finally responded....in a text: Either live with it or risk causing harm. I'll let her make her own judgment as to what it means.

Boooh. I just want some wine right now.


  1. That sucks.

    My family had a similar drama with my Grandfather and it really did affect us all. I could not bear to hurt my Grandma by having a relationship with him. You are right to take a hard line with your Mom.

  2. My parents divorced when i was a little under two, but i was the youngest of 4. Even at 21 my parents would bash each other....but it's your dad and you have the right to decide whether or not you want a relationship with him.

    and when you do have kids, it will be your decision how much contact they will have with your parents. I love my mom but we are not close. at all. i bring my daughter around and make sure they spend time together, but i'm always there waiting for my mom to say something inappropriate. it sucks but that's how it goes sometimes.

    sorry for the long comment.

  3. I don't know why family members have to make some things so hard. And the guilt - oy the guilt! I have one girlfriend whose father-in-law bought his children and their spouses bracelets with charms on them signifying four things - I remember one was love, and one was guilt. Turns out he thinks it's essential to a strong family. Huh?

    I hope everything works out with your mom...

  4. Thanks guys. I appreciate the support!

    Celia - I just decided it was important to look forward in my life, instead of backward...I knew I was starting the biggest rift, but it was really important for me to do it for myself.

    Melissa - I appreciate that someone else shares the same fear of leaving our child to hear awful things if we leave the room. yikes...

    Sandra - yeah, guilt is something that each family has, but damn, it can wear you out!