An unsuccessful attempt

Tried to have a garage sale, my OCD clutter phobia was on overdrive and my closets were calling for a cleaning. Mistakely, I chose late June to have this summer barrel of fun...rain and freezing! Yah!

I have so far sold 4 dollars in two days, and have had less visitors then come to this site in an hour! Maybe I should just do it here!

I figure it's not hitting the right clientele base, I don't own crap and dustables just as figurines.... I have alot of contemporary stuff that just didn't fit into the color scheme I planned for this house. Oh well.

It's only 9am and this thing is supposed to go until 2. 5 bucks bets I don't last past 11am.

In other general news: making my pantry full and o'plenty. Working hard. Nephew is to be born Sunday or Monday (4 years of trying and 3 invitros later).

Starting to wonder what's up with my body: cramping every day even just a week past period and the periods are lasting a long time (7days) last few months. I think it's time for a visit to "swoon" doctor.

-- Post From My iPhone

An Upgrade

I've gone from peeing on a dollar, to peeing on 5 dollars since yesterday.

Still waiting for something to happen, and it certainly isn't happening in pee stick form.

I wish that nature had a way of instant pregnancy knowledge, like your thumb nail turning neon purple. Not only would it help us who are trying to get pregnant know a lot sooner, it would also bring down the instances of alcohol and or drug abuse, if you have a purple thumb nail, you don't get served at the bar type of thing. If this were to happen, I and thousands of others, could turn this economic crisis around on our own....with all of the extra cash we would then have not being dumped on pregnancy tests, we could go out and buy stuff. Brilliant.

I am fighting the urge to go and have a blood test done. To be perfectly honest, I don't want it to come out that I'm not pregnant.....it's too close to my heart now. For those of you who think maybe this is just my imagination....your mind may be able to fake pregnancy symptoms because they also happen to be period ones, but 5 days late when I never am is something I can't fake.

If I went today and had one done, I would know in 4 or 5 days. That is just way too long for me. It might be the best way though, save the heartache every morning of one line smacking me between the eyes. I did my research yesterday....did you know that a small percentage of women see negatives on pee sticks until they are 8 weeks along! 8 weeks! Some at 12 weeks!

I would have to be one of those wouldn't I....? Couldn't go the whole normal route, gotta throw some kind of f*ing drama in for flair. Some even show negative on blood work. I would have thought these two tests of "are you" would be solid, apparently not. So even if I have it done, and it comes back negative, and my period doesn't show...I will still go around wondering could I. Thanks internet!

On a side note, this is my 98th post. In three months! Funny enough, you know I'll be posting tomorrow (99) and on sunday...(100). Look forward to seeing some more pee stick drama over the weekend. I really want my 100 post to be a positive, ironic being 100th (a celebration in itself) and being Mothers Day (better be positive...otherwise I'll be moping around sad, shaking fist in the air at the sky.)

Wait for it...

I just spoke with the appt taker at that doctors office I want to switch to, the one with the free pregnancy testing. I made a new patient appt with a doctor who also does ob. The appt isn't until May 18th. Being that is so fat away I could go apeshit and become a recluse of the downstairs bathroom, peeing over and over again on tests and giggling all crazy like... I told her about my lateness. She suggested to wait just a few more days and then come in. 4 days late is too early for good results.

I had to be that person. The one that tests may or may not work for.

Thanks to my soul mate, the precious (read iPhone,) I've been able to track fertility with an app from fertilityfriend.com. I am somewhere between 15 and 18 dpo (starting to think I may have just ovulated late) and have been able to note some very interesting symptoms.

Hello girls- larger more sensitive boobs last night.

1point Af versus 1point pregnant

Damn I'm pale- veins meet my torso and lady friends.

1 point Af vs 2point pregnant

Who needs an alarm- new functional 7am brain. (started at 8:15, then 8, then 7:30, this morning 6:15.)

1point Af vs 2point pregnant vs 1point insomnia

Sitting now- walk up stairs, need to sit. Take shower, need to sit.

2points Af vs 3points pregnant vs 1 point insomnia.

I am Melissa's uterus- pleased to meet you. Oh that... I just wanted to pinch myself and make sure you were paying attention.

2points Af vs 4 points pregnant vs 1 point insomnia.

To be continued...

-- Post From My iPhone.

And we meet again.

Crazy lady made an appearance at my work yesterday. She's the one who predicted that I would be pregnant with a boy in may. She has since changed her mind, how weird coansidering it's may and low and
Behold... I'm not pregnant.

She now says I need brussel sprouts and hard greens. How bizarre.

I think I'll stick to reading my books and trying to eat more than just a candy bar for lunch. Thank you very much.

Off to enjoy my birthday.

-- Post From My iPhone

Last day of hope

So today is it. Tomorrow is d-day. Even with the small symptoms here and there, all hope is gone for April. Moving on.

I spotted again last night and I have a wee little upset tummy thing going on... but we did go out last night and celebrated more than usual. Two midori sours and a caramel apple martini, thank you very much.

It was a blast. Last year ended with me in fits of crying in the bathroom at home, this year I just planned my own function to keep the crying done to a minimum. (no one planned anything, and those who wanted to thought someone else was..it was a clusterf&@$ for sure.)

-- Post From My iPhone

Reading Material

Another dollar down the toilet.

Pretty positive its not positive this month. Which is okay, I'm not that bummed out because I'm learning to deal with this monthly failure. Ok, maybe not learning to deal with it, but just I knew that this month sucked, so get with me next month and we'll just see if this "not caring" stuck. My money is on me being crazy.

The benefit to it not being positive is that I can actually enjoy a few drinks with friends tonight in celebration of my birthday at the Melting Pot (a fondue joint). I really love their apple martinis and a certain Riesling has been calling my name.

I did stop by Half priced Books and picked up some reading material on getting pregnant, I made a deal with Ash that we wouldn't get into this unless it took awhile. Well, in my mind of instant gratification, this is F-O-R-E-V-E-R. There wasn't a good selection of the "getting pregnant" variety. Books seem to teeter totter either infertility or expecting. Since I've only been trying for 5 months, I don't think I qualify to say that I'm infertile just yet, and clearly I am not expecting. Not to say that maybe we aren't infertile, I just don't want to look down that road too far unless I have too. I picked up two reads, Getting Pregnant and A Few Good Eggs (yes, an infertile book, but damn if it didn't look funny). I perused the getting pregnant book last night and it has some good ideas about diet and things that we (yes, Ash, you too!) should be working on. I'll report back if I learn anything worth while.

False Hope

As I am not looking at pregnancy symptoms this time around, I thought I'd have it easy....I either am or not. But I can't fake a little spotting that happened over last night. I haven't had that before, but I know that it can be common before a period. I'm not trying to instill false hope in something that isn't there, but hell, I can't help it. I'm still new at this, which means I still hang out until the last possible second and swear up and down this is it. I've only been burned 4 times so far. There is still awhile to go before I hate getting up these four days before my period because I know it will start badly with a fat negative staring me in the face. There is still small glimmers of hope in my mind everytime I pee on that dollar, hoping that maybe this is the lucky dollar.

Peeing on some money and other musings

I really wanted to post a picture of me flushing a dollar down the toilet, but I decided to save you all the visual of a toilet on my blog. Hell, if I was really awesome I would take a picture of me actually peeing on a dollar, but I won't because...well I'm not that awesome.

I've peed on two dollars so far - I could have gotten a large slushie for that. I know I know. It's still a little early, but like I've said before, this one is moot anyhow.

Thankfully, I've filled myself with fun things to do over the last few weeks as to occupy my time. The killers concert, trivia with friends, and last night....


I attended a taping of America's Got Talent. Mind you, I have never held an interest in this show, but then again I've never been to a live taping of anything so when my friend asked if I was available...of course I said hell yeah! I didn't have much hope for the talent pool of Tacoma/Seattle. I was corrected a few times, but the crazies were out in full force and during the booing and "x"s I almost felt sorry for them. It's like producers of all talent shows just love to show Seattle as Crazy Town. We had quite a few burlesque performers, one in particular I was really excited to see come out on the stage. My friend and I had seen her at the CanCan in Seattle for her bachelorette party, and let's just say, she's really good. Really good. She did end up moving on to the next level, so hopefully she'll do well and everyone will get to see her. I wasn't able to locate a picture of her or any information, but I'm sure in the coming months, something will pop up.

And the stress keeps a coming...

I don't know if I have the full energy to get into this now, but I'm a little stressed out from a phone call I just had with my mom and well, this blog is for stress ranting, so bear with me.

My mother and father split up back when I was 2. Both parties were in the wrong, in my opinion, and hell, they were very young. My mom moved us away and changed our last names to reflect her new husband by the time I was five. We referred to my father as sperm donor until I was 20, if we ever mentioned him at all. Throughout these years, I heard horror stories about how awful he and his family were, and at 18 I thought he wanted to kidnap me. When I was 20, I accidentally found him through his sister that we had limited contact with as children.

Turns out he wasn't this crazed manaic I had envisioned. Over the following 7 years (this june) I tried to understand his point of view while ducking the hatred coming from my mother for talking to him. Like I said, both parties were young, and after a lot of soul searching and questions on my part, I chose to keep him in my life.

This is the overlying issue that seems to cloud over my feelings for my mom's side of the family. Comments always seem to be made about how they feel about me talking to him, or how much they don't like him. I don't always take them well, I mean this is the person I now call my father. Plus, my father's side never has anything ill to say about my mother or that side of the family, so it just seems a little lopsided.

Conversations with my mom always seem to get to this point, where we hash over the same old stuff over and over, especially this topic. Hence, the blog post about tonight's phone call.

Blah Blah Blah (underlying guilt comment) blah blah blah...really that's not what I meant it to be...blah blah blah blah.

I may go more into depth about all of this in the coming months as Ash and my main concern is bringing our own child into a mix of "Grandpa's the devil" kind of conversations my mom's side may (or may not) seep into our child's brain. Ash's opinion is that it will lead to us never leaving a baby alone with that side of the family (both for this reason, and our difference in religion...he's pretty sure they'll be told that their parents are the devil too).

I ended up hanging up on her (it often leads to that) and after many texts and voicemails, I finally responded....in a text: Either live with it or risk causing harm. I'll let her make her own judgment as to what it means.

Boooh. I just want some wine right now.

5 more days...

till I can test.

I pre-bought some dollar store tests just so I can be a ridiculous crazy and test whenever I damn feel like it...hell it's only a dollar.

Symptoms this time around are few, it's not close enough to really tell and I don't think that PMS ones should be happening quite yet. Ash says I'm cranky, but I've been a little tired lately, and tired makes me super crank. Not tired in the "oh my gosh I'm pregnant" kind of way, just a little more than usual...like going to bed an hour before I usually do. I could have had some uterine cramping yesterday, but it also could be my imagination.

Who knows...we'll just wait and see!

EDIT: Just wanted to show the crazy and say I tested on day 8 past ovulation...and oh my gosh what a surprise, it was negative. Those tests were just taunting me....I was weak.

I survived...

the baby shower.

It was very long, about 3 and a half hours. I was doing okay amid 5 or so pregnant gals in a group of fifty. The jealously and fear weighed me down, but all in all I did what I could to focus on why I was there.

Only two mishaps that made me want to start crying. Nothing that a normal, well balanced person couldn't handle. In my present state, I would definitely not lump me into that department. Thankfully one of my cousins (due on the 3rd) was able to talk me down off the tear ledge.

I am just really afraid that maybe it won't come, maybe I won't be able to get pregnant without help. The internet both helps and doesn't...I've found alot of blogs to read of people who have been trying for years to no avail and some that tried for just a month and were able to conceive right away. I wonder where I will fall in this...but am scared to know the answer.

8 more days...

8 more weary days until I can test to see if I am right or wrong about being pregnant. I am hoping I am wrong and that by miracle, I managed to conceive amid tons of stress and missed "connections."

A random thought to ponder...

You know when your seatbelt hits just so and you've just ate? Is that what it feels like to be pregnant? The pressure on your uterus, the bloat in the tummy? I was driving home today and that sensation came over me, not I think I'm pregnant, but thinking is that what a pregnant lady feels. Curious.

Headed to another death of my emotions...

The finally baby shower for April is today. Standing in the baby aisles yesterday to find a present was ridiculous, but at least I had a real purpose for being there instead of looking like a crazy lady eying babies in their strollers. So far since trying to make one of our own, I've been invited to four showers, FOUR in FOUR months, each one gets harder to attend. Just the pressure of my own mind while I am there kills...along with the questions of when yous. No one was pregnant it seems before we started trying...now everyone is and I am so jealous it is driving me batshit!

Sue Me.

Yeah, it's the two week wait. And I didn't feel bad when I ordered the margarita at happy hour before trivia, then two more drinks at the bar during trivia. It was all a little much to drink, but damn if it didn't make me feel better at the moment. Having not drank hard alcohol in over two months, it worked faster then when I was a lush who drank all the time at triv (not excessively, but during fun times, yes). I still feel a little bad, but hell, it's only day one after ovulation. Being so strict about everything and all the crazy going on...I just needed it.

Seriously, this month is mute anyway. Stress galore, might as well add alcohol to it to seal the deal. We've gotta start doing things the bad way, maybe we'll get pregnant quicker.

Ash and I are both amazed about this process. He even commented the other day about all the people getting pregnant by "accident" and how it was maddening to him that we had to try so hard. I told him we just needed to get uber drunk one night and use the pull out method, that seems to be the ticket to pregnancy from what I understand around here. It's nice that it's frustrating to him too, I have a friend indeed in this crazy world of baby.

Back on Track

This blog is about pregnancy, right? This last week has been difficult, in more ways than one. I seemed to have gotten hit from all sides; family, home and friends.

With all of this stress, my mind nearly imploded. My heart has been heavy.

Getting pregnant this month just doesn't seem in the cards. People say that stressing out about getting pregnant makes you not pregnant, well this time around, I'd about quadrupled the stress level with everything going on. The watch claims today is ovulation day, as does most of the charts I follow, but somehow my heart just knows it isn't this time. Maybe it's the lack of energy or happiness that I normally equate to trying to conceive. Who knows. During this two week wait, I may not have the guts to test everyday, no letdowns if I don't. I need a vacation, a much needed rest from this depression I'm headed towards. A day of sitting out in the sun perhaps.

In a few days, maybe I'll be back to the crazy two week wait death watch. For now, I'll relax and maybe enjoy a glass of wine at trivia tomorrow to calm my frazzled nerves.

Watching what you say...

Shit happens and often it's not coming from the tail end. Sometimes, what you put out of your mouth is just as bad as the stuff that comes out of your rear. In the past, I was exceptional at the latter. I talked fast and occasionally didn't think before words came out of my mouth. It was always something Ashley wanted me to work on, and now, I can truly say that I put alot of effort into this.

What does this have to do with this blog? Plenty.

Think about before you starting trying to have a baby. Think about the conversations you had about getting pregnant or your fertility.

I remember having a discussion with a coworker (during my insert foot in mouth phase) in which we were discussing the timing of baby. She was curious when we were going to start trying, and I informed her we were going to wait until December of 2008... because, well, I'm so fertile we'll be pregnant the first night we try. Little did I know, she had been trying for 3 years.

Now, we're both trying and I wish I could apologize for that conversation over and over again every time I talk to her.

A few days ago, someone asked me if I was pregnant yet, and while I was replying no, a "foot in mouth" kinda gal walked up and joined in on the conversation. She asked how long we'd been trying, I responded. She prompty announced "if we tried, we'd be pregnant right away, I'm soooooooo fertile"and "maybe you are not" ......and she's in her fifties. I could have body checked her without a second thought.

The other big thing I think that literally burns me to my bone are the phrases "well, maybe you aren't meant to have a baby" or "maybe you won't get pregnant" or "it will happen when the time is right/meant to be." I am not religious so the timing thing/meant to be thing is ridiculous, but I do believe that words can hurt and if you put something out there in the universe, maybe it will happen...so the last thing you should say to a person who is literally dreaming of being pregnant is maybe you won't be or that you are not meant to procreate. We are mammals, our entire purpose in life is to procreate and have our genes go on, so saying that it's not meant to be is like saying that your entire purpose for being is mute.

We've all probably said something to the like, either before we knew what we were saying or even as something meant to hurt. Before we started trying to get pregnant, we were super human fertiles, just waiting to burst out the first baby when we were ready. After month one, as the overwhelming sadness of that first failure took over, we became the wanters. Four months or four years...failure month after month becomes the same. And as a wanter, I just ask that people think about what they say, you never know what the person is going through on the other end of the conversation.

The Justification of Sleep

The one thing that I can truly say I enjoy because I do not have a child is sleep. I am not a morning person normally and fight getting up before 8am. I justify sleeping in until 9am or so because I don't have a kid yet, and I know this precious time will never be the same when a little one takes over that title "precious." I love sleep, but I know I would love being a mom more.

I know there are probably other things I'd be giving up, but for now the only thing I know for sure would go down the drain is the sleep thing.

And on that note of "giving up things," I thought I would speak to the idea that having a baby or becoming a mother is so that people would pay attention to that person.

I am Jack's complete lack of surprise.

This idea is wrong.

Spending 9 months experiencing any of the following symptoms is not worth any amount of attention someone may seek: nausea, hemorrhoids, stretch marks, fat ankles, or a much larger uterus that may never be the same. No coffee or alcohol or PEANUT butter, my favorite things! Then after baby comes, it is all about the baby. No one comes to your house to hang out with you, especially since you haven't showered for two days and you are waddling like a 8lb baby has just come out of your vagina. They want to smell the baby smell and hold the sack of potatoes that is a crying bundle of joy. From the moment you have a child, life becomes about that little one, not you. Everything you do is no longer about you, you will lose friends, your habits have to change, and you no longer get the best gifts at Christmas...hell, you may not get any, unless you count the new Dora Movie your child got so you don't have to watch the old one anymore.

So, if attention is what a person seeks, the last thing in the world they would want to do is have a child. Instead, tell your parents you are becoming a wican, get some sleeve tattoos, and start showing up to all family functions drunk, hell, drive there drunk... that will get you the attention you apparently seek.

Things I do...

Things I do the other 23 hours of a day when I am not posting (something ridiculous and/or funny on this blog) or thinking about baby stuff.

Read - I like to read at least a book a week at this point. Two if I can.

Play - I am seriously addicted to Animal Crossing, I love that game. If I am ever home for a long period of time this is my go to game. I have wasted 6 hours straight before, and I'm not afraid to do it again.

Craft - You will likely find me doing this 10-20 hours a week. If I am not knitting, I am sewing. If I am not sewing, I am finding some creative thing to make as a gift for someone else. This is why one room in my house is dedicated to such a thing.

Trivia - Meeting up with people who genuinely like my company. Having a few drinks (not now, but man it used to be fun) and enjoying some laughs.

My Pets - These guys take up a quarter of each day, they are my children from another mother (or species, whatever). If I am not feeding them, I am cleaning up after them...their puke, their hair, and sometimes their messes. They are like my practice for dealing with an unclean house after having a baby.

School - I have returned to school on a part time basis. This quarter, an online class. See me at the end of the year and hopefully (funds willing) I will have my bachelors.

I work - Just about 35-40 a week.

I sleep - Usually 8-9 hours a night.

So, in general, if it seems like I am uber-obsessed to some people, please see the above list for things I do most of my day...

This blog is meant to be an outlet for the crazy, something funny to look back on after we've grown a belly, produced a child, and can't remember how crazy we were in the process. I know that it might seem strange to some, but this is my life and I appreciate every one of you for coming along for the journey.

BreakOut Face

Giving that we have a few more days to the Big O, I thought I would enlighten you all with my current headache of sorts. (A blog is only a good blog when you are complaining about something, right?)

I work in the cosmetic area of a certain large department store. When you think of the cosmetic area, you think of working around alot of pretty people with lots of makeup on and 4 inch heels. Forward to my current craze, hormone driven acne face. It can be really irritating to try to sell someone makeup while they stare at my pimple mess. I have tried many a fix, from new skincare to different foundation, to no avail. Not only am I getting to the threshold of crazy with baby, I have now entered the same realm due to my face...

My list of duds include:
Shis.eido W.hite Luc.ent Cleansing Foam
Shis.eido Skincare Pu.rifying Foam
Orig.ins Per.fect World Cleanser
Orig.ins Orga.nic Face Wash
Clin.ique Mild Fa.ce Wash
Clin.ique 7 da.y scrub

The other issue I have is trying to match a foundation to my skin. I am pale. Makeup is seemingly not made for pale people. I need to find one that works soon, this isn't okay to show up with a line because my foundation doesn't match or newly dry skin from irratation.

My list of duds include:
Shis.eido Dual B.alancing
Dio.r N.ude
Dio.r Fore.ver
Clin.ique Eve.n Tone
Clin.ique Su.per Ba.lanced
Este.e Lau.der Dou.ble W.ear
Co.ver Gi.rl
Maybell.ine

If ANY of you have tried something that works, I will try it! I am not beyond spending a fortune coming up with something that actually works. I always loved having a clear face and even skin...so this is really driving me bonkers.

Crampy Crabby and Crafty

Yes, this sums up how I felt this past few days. Crampy and crabby.... pretty much my attitude towards periodness and the failure to procreate this past month. Crafty.... well, I've got two upcoming baby showers this month for family members... showers where I will be asked over and over and over again when Ashley and I are going to have a baby of our own. We'll be asked this so many times that if you see some news regarding a crazed woman that's taken hostages at Babies R Us over the weekend, you'll know who that woman is.

Just saying.

Although I am not going to be fond of the barrage of questions about babyness, I am fond of the new mamas to be, so if was only fair to make some cute things in my crafty way.

The diaper cake is a work in progress. I still need larger ribbon to finish it (try not to look at the mismatching ribbon). It's my first attempt at one, and I must say it is not nearly as expensive or difficult as it is made out to be. This is mostly for decorating a table at the shower, so the cake includes a ducky robe, baby lotion, baby shampoo, baby qtips, a handmade ducky rattle and diapers. It was roughly $20 to make.

The baby blanket is for stroller use mainly. It's about 24 x 18 and super soft. I took the extra time to finish some detailing so I guess if Babyzilla (the new grandma always calls me something with zilla on the end as a joke, I was the first bride in the family...aka bridezilla...so it's only fitting I call her grandbaby and my new 2nd cousin a zilla too) didn't like it, it can always be used as a wall hanging or doll blanket. Personally, I think it's adorable and I really hope she and her mom will enjoy it.

Wish me luck this weekend, I'm sure I'll post again before then... but I can use any support I can get to prepare me for "Are You" "Are You" "Are You" (spoken like the seagulls in Finding Nemo...mine! mine! mine!)

Period Watch 09'

I've got a new title for this mother of all craze I'm in...Period Watch 09'

Seriously, I have never in my life focused so much on my period, my body, and had such an inability to think of anything besides Baby. Ash is in on it too. He asks more questions now about how I'm feeling and what I'm thinking about, if my period has started, and if I'm okay.

Even during my period, I'm watching for signs that maybe it's letting up early...maybe it's just implantation. This one is less crampy, and a lot less heavy than normal. I'd be stupid to test. Really, Really stupid. I gotta say it one more time so I don't rush to the bathroom right now and test... really REALLY stupid!