Any number of things

Life is crazy.

Dealing with some family issues, it's surprising to me how little I let me get stressed out now. The current situations, which I will not elaborate on, would have left me in tears and freaking out...now, it's just another day.

Work is great, too much of it, but great. I just got a job offer to work for a bigger line, which means more commission, a raise, and less hours. A triple threat of lovely. Plus I use all of the products so I'll actually save money by working there (free stuff every few months).

Speaking of saving, grocery deals all around. I'm still mad at the crazy buy it all lady, but hey, what can you do. I was able to buy alot of stuff tonight for about 12 dollars, so I am at peace with my coupons. I hope albertsons always does doubles! Super good and cheap food.

I did buy a pregnancy test. Hey, it was on sale. I know i know, it just doesn't add up in case I do turn out to be one of those that tests don't work on, but you can't hate on me for trying. I didn't focus on the ovulation the last few months, so I would like to officially declare that "we are not trying!" to the universe... Just in case it helps.


-- Post From My iPhone

Sibling jealously

Baby was born last night. I am officially an aunt and officially jealous of my brother. I didn't really get jealous of the pregnancy, just the aftermath of being able to hold a baby in your arms and know that they are yours to raise and love.

I feel badly for my dad, he's officially is a grandpa for the first time but my brother has sided with my mom and they aren't speaking. He didn't even get a email, text, or a phone call. I forwarded the information as I received it including pictures. I tried to broach the subject with my brother and my mom but just got dead response. I kniw that they should be able to feel what they feel, but this is an important milestone and one that should mend fences, not make taller ones. It makes me feel like when it's my turn that I should return the favor, but I'm not like that and unfortunately the only thing I can do is try to involve my dad as much as possible when it's us having the baby so he can really enjoy being a grandpa.

But, I can't wait to meet my newest family member, all said and done.

-- Post From My iPhone

An unsuccessful attempt

Tried to have a garage sale, my OCD clutter phobia was on overdrive and my closets were calling for a cleaning. Mistakely, I chose late June to have this summer barrel of fun...rain and freezing! Yah!

I have so far sold 4 dollars in two days, and have had less visitors then come to this site in an hour! Maybe I should just do it here!

I figure it's not hitting the right clientele base, I don't own crap and dustables just as figurines.... I have alot of contemporary stuff that just didn't fit into the color scheme I planned for this house. Oh well.

It's only 9am and this thing is supposed to go until 2. 5 bucks bets I don't last past 11am.

In other general news: making my pantry full and o'plenty. Working hard. Nephew is to be born Sunday or Monday (4 years of trying and 3 invitros later).

Starting to wonder what's up with my body: cramping every day even just a week past period and the periods are lasting a long time (7days) last few months. I think it's time for a visit to "swoon" doctor.

-- Post From My iPhone

The hardest part

I'm definitely in the two week wait, but I'm trying not to pay attention to the chart. I don't want to think about it, but that is hard to do with two new babies in the family and the constant question of am I. I am a pretty honest person and am usually up front about my life with people, but that has backfired a little because now everyone is aware that we've been trying, hence the am I question.

I try not to think about what could be.. It would make my day to get pregnant for fathers day, hell, it would make my year. This blog is going to get scarce of symptoms this time around because of last month and the deep disappoint we faced of thinking we could really be pregnant. I know you all who read this have been through that trial, it sucks and I just can't handle doing it again this month.

I feel like a debbie downer, but I'll try to fill the space with groceies and other tidbits of randomness I can think of while I pretend I won't focus on pregnancy symptoms.

A long day

Gonna post about groceries tomorrow, but just to update everyone as to my last few days, here's the review...

Baby tempie visited Friday, Ash was awake and was able to really able to see her for a bit. She got a bath in our sink and spent some time being a fussy 17 day old baby. Ash spent most of the visit holding her and was at ease doing it... I was jealous, I wanted to hold her too!

I had a doctor's appt, my first one where the focus was fertility. I wanted to find a doctor in my area that I could potentialy see through pregnancy and beyond. I think I found him. He walks in with sheets on fertility for me to have and was very honest and non judging about how long we'd been trying. Realistically, if we get to the year point then we'll start the testing, but for now he wants me to focus on eating healthy (and more) and gain a little weight as he thinks my body mass is low...21 and he'd liked to it be a little higher. He also asked if after he was successful in helping us conceive if we had an on and family doctor in mind, after I told him I'd love to stick with him, he said he was pleased, as he loves being part of the making of a baby and then be able to watch the baby grow. Swoon.

Omg. I hate the new generation of teens. They ransacked my store and started a fist fight, started a fire in the parking lot of another store, and broke glass and graffitied at yet another one. (sounds like a full on riot, but really just a couple thousand kids loitering at a mall for too long) All during some skate festival outside in the mall parking lot. My store is the the store people used to get dressed up to come to, today they walked thru it without shirts on and cursing. I got to be on escalator police duty today, it was really super fun and all day I went from being polite about it at 11am to nearly cursing back by 7pm. When did an escalator become a toy? Seriously.


-- Post From My iPhone

Baby woes

Big family gathering Sunday and the introduction to life with new babies. The family was gaga, and I was able to get a few good moments with tempie. It was extremely trying emotionally to see my dad, who is hands down the one who yearns for grand baby most, hold her. A few comments brought me to a tear or two, I know no one meant it but sometimes no matter how you say something it can still hurt.

I must say that I never expected to find such a friend in my cousin...until she was pregnant we didn't have much in common. But, she is by far the most understanding and can just look at me and tell how I'm taking things. She's also the first to come to my rescue and help me get off of my lonely pity hill. During a rather fussy baby moment we snuck to a quiet room with baby and she did what only she can do best, make me feel okay and hopeful.

When I finally do get pregnant, I can't wait to share my experiences with her and look to her for guidance.... A new long life friendship has come out of all of this quiet rage of why me.


-- Post From My iPhone

100th post

So here it is...my hundredth post.
I envisioned this to be a much more vibrant, full of glee kind of a post. Unfortunately, both Ash and I experienced a wave of different emotions, from estatic and absolutely sure we were expecting, to crying and full of dread that this just isn't our month. I had a blood test on Monday, after having the biggest boobs Ive ever seen over the weekend. Although we don't have the results yet, my period seems to have started hours after the blood test. Ash is still hoping that the test shows positive and that this is just decidual bleeding...but my hopes have been throw into the disposal.

I am jacks bleeding heart.

I have that appt scheduled for Monday with a new doctor, hopefully well finally be on the right track with a doctor (and office) that actualy cares about getting us to our goal. We may hear from the old office with the blood tests results this week.. but like I said, it's pretty much a no in my book, and that's the hardest feeling to swallow.

And to top it off...

To all that filled my ears with "relax it will happen". SCREW YOU. I relaxed this last month in that there were other things stressful going on during my ovulation week, so we didn't focus on that...and guess what! We didn't get pregnant. Just because you got pregnant right away or by accident, does not make you the authority on how I should feel during this process. Spend a month in my shoes, I dare you.

To the one who made fun of my hopes and possibilty of being pregnant...FUCK OFF. If you were going to talk shit, you shouldn't have asked me about the whole thing like you actually cared. This is why nobody likes you. Just because we have to spend so much time together each week, I will tolerate you only with conversation about the weather and current news, if you dare ask about baby related topics, I swear I will cuss you out in front of everyone and embarass the hell out of you. Don't tempt me.

-- Post From My iPhone

And the stress keeps a coming...

I don't know if I have the full energy to get into this now, but I'm a little stressed out from a phone call I just had with my mom and well, this blog is for stress ranting, so bear with me.

My mother and father split up back when I was 2. Both parties were in the wrong, in my opinion, and hell, they were very young. My mom moved us away and changed our last names to reflect her new husband by the time I was five. We referred to my father as sperm donor until I was 20, if we ever mentioned him at all. Throughout these years, I heard horror stories about how awful he and his family were, and at 18 I thought he wanted to kidnap me. When I was 20, I accidentally found him through his sister that we had limited contact with as children.

Turns out he wasn't this crazed manaic I had envisioned. Over the following 7 years (this june) I tried to understand his point of view while ducking the hatred coming from my mother for talking to him. Like I said, both parties were young, and after a lot of soul searching and questions on my part, I chose to keep him in my life.

This is the overlying issue that seems to cloud over my feelings for my mom's side of the family. Comments always seem to be made about how they feel about me talking to him, or how much they don't like him. I don't always take them well, I mean this is the person I now call my father. Plus, my father's side never has anything ill to say about my mother or that side of the family, so it just seems a little lopsided.

Conversations with my mom always seem to get to this point, where we hash over the same old stuff over and over, especially this topic. Hence, the blog post about tonight's phone call.

Blah Blah Blah (underlying guilt comment) blah blah blah...really that's not what I meant it to be...blah blah blah blah.

I may go more into depth about all of this in the coming months as Ash and my main concern is bringing our own child into a mix of "Grandpa's the devil" kind of conversations my mom's side may (or may not) seep into our child's brain. Ash's opinion is that it will lead to us never leaving a baby alone with that side of the family (both for this reason, and our difference in religion...he's pretty sure they'll be told that their parents are the devil too).

I ended up hanging up on her (it often leads to that) and after many texts and voicemails, I finally responded....in a text: Either live with it or risk causing harm. I'll let her make her own judgment as to what it means.

Boooh. I just want some wine right now.

I survived...

the baby shower.

It was very long, about 3 and a half hours. I was doing okay amid 5 or so pregnant gals in a group of fifty. The jealously and fear weighed me down, but all in all I did what I could to focus on why I was there.

Only two mishaps that made me want to start crying. Nothing that a normal, well balanced person couldn't handle. In my present state, I would definitely not lump me into that department. Thankfully one of my cousins (due on the 3rd) was able to talk me down off the tear ledge.

I am just really afraid that maybe it won't come, maybe I won't be able to get pregnant without help. The internet both helps and doesn't...I've found alot of blogs to read of people who have been trying for years to no avail and some that tried for just a month and were able to conceive right away. I wonder where I will fall in this...but am scared to know the answer.

8 more days...

8 more weary days until I can test to see if I am right or wrong about being pregnant. I am hoping I am wrong and that by miracle, I managed to conceive amid tons of stress and missed "connections."

A random thought to ponder...

You know when your seatbelt hits just so and you've just ate? Is that what it feels like to be pregnant? The pressure on your uterus, the bloat in the tummy? I was driving home today and that sensation came over me, not I think I'm pregnant, but thinking is that what a pregnant lady feels. Curious.

Headed to another death of my emotions...

The finally baby shower for April is today. Standing in the baby aisles yesterday to find a present was ridiculous, but at least I had a real purpose for being there instead of looking like a crazy lady eying babies in their strollers. So far since trying to make one of our own, I've been invited to four showers, FOUR in FOUR months, each one gets harder to attend. Just the pressure of my own mind while I am there kills...along with the questions of when yous. No one was pregnant it seems before we started trying...now everyone is and I am so jealous it is driving me batshit!

The Countdown begins...

I'm a little cranky, not gonna lie.

I look for symptoms that aren't there. I wait and wait for this two weeks to be over.

Went to dinner with a friend who is 13 weeks pregnant tonight, and amidst our conversation, she told me that even 4 or 5 days after ovulation that she just knew...

I don't think I'll be that accurate in feeling pregnant, just look at my last few months and their symptoms, and you'll realize I often think I might be when I am not. I'm at that 4 - 5 days past the big o, and the only thing I feel is a little grumpy.

Bear with me, ya'll. This looks to be a depressive few weeks!

How you got here...

One of the blogs I follow Conceive This posted earlier about Google Analytics, and I thought I'd follow along. These are some of the search keywords that bought me some new viewers from Google.

if i got period on march 12, 2009 when will i be fertile

Hell, let me figure out when I'm fertile first, then I can try to use my psychic abilities to help you. In fact, on March 12, I was done with my period, so really we have nothing in common....thanks for moving along and visiting me for one second.

girls from ames

Wtf.

foot in mouth

This one is not surprising. If nothing comes from Google search ever again, I can feel confident that at least I came up when 70 percent of my past life had been doing just this.

Sue Me.

Yeah, it's the two week wait. And I didn't feel bad when I ordered the margarita at happy hour before trivia, then two more drinks at the bar during trivia. It was all a little much to drink, but damn if it didn't make me feel better at the moment. Having not drank hard alcohol in over two months, it worked faster then when I was a lush who drank all the time at triv (not excessively, but during fun times, yes). I still feel a little bad, but hell, it's only day one after ovulation. Being so strict about everything and all the crazy going on...I just needed it.

Seriously, this month is mute anyway. Stress galore, might as well add alcohol to it to seal the deal. We've gotta start doing things the bad way, maybe we'll get pregnant quicker.

Ash and I are both amazed about this process. He even commented the other day about all the people getting pregnant by "accident" and how it was maddening to him that we had to try so hard. I told him we just needed to get uber drunk one night and use the pull out method, that seems to be the ticket to pregnancy from what I understand around here. It's nice that it's frustrating to him too, I have a friend indeed in this crazy world of baby.

Back on Track

This blog is about pregnancy, right? This last week has been difficult, in more ways than one. I seemed to have gotten hit from all sides; family, home and friends.

With all of this stress, my mind nearly imploded. My heart has been heavy.

Getting pregnant this month just doesn't seem in the cards. People say that stressing out about getting pregnant makes you not pregnant, well this time around, I'd about quadrupled the stress level with everything going on. The watch claims today is ovulation day, as does most of the charts I follow, but somehow my heart just knows it isn't this time. Maybe it's the lack of energy or happiness that I normally equate to trying to conceive. Who knows. During this two week wait, I may not have the guts to test everyday, no letdowns if I don't. I need a vacation, a much needed rest from this depression I'm headed towards. A day of sitting out in the sun perhaps.

In a few days, maybe I'll be back to the crazy two week wait death watch. For now, I'll relax and maybe enjoy a glass of wine at trivia tomorrow to calm my frazzled nerves.

Crisis Averted...for now.

Although our vet was an airhead, we were able to leave with Sadie and what seems to be a truckload of painkillers from the vet. Swollen eyed and all, we were fully prepared to go to the vet with two beagles, and return home with just one.

We gave the symptoms to the vet, and she didn't say anything while examining Sadie. The vet was convinced we were lying (no screaming beagle as she poked and prodded at Sadie) and that she had just maybe swallowed something she shouldn't have....until they asked us to pick her up from the exam table and set her on the ground. Her yelps frightened everyone, they are blood curdling and can induce high blood pressure at yelp one. Suddenly the vet was more concerned. They did an abdominal tap and when no fluid or blood came out, she got another vet to offer a second opinion.
We don't agree with the verdict, but they decided she has some injury to her neck/spine and it would heal on it's own. "She must have fallen." There is nothing to fall from at our house, but oh well. Their best opinion- stock our hands full of muscle relaxers, painkillers, and steroids and see if this works. On the way home, we did decide that if she is as sick as we believe she is, at least she'll be comfortable over the next two weeks.

Tonight when I got home, she is much more animated than this morning and was wagging her tail... we can't really put much weight on her actions at the moment due to the medicine. Hell, I'd be running up and down the street with the amount of good stuff she's on. It's a new two week wait (both with Sadie and with baby) so this should be exhausting and all time consuming.

A different kind of wait....

Sadie is not good. She is shaking and panting. Her pacing around the house is one of the many tell tale signs she is in some serious pain. Around 4 last night, she was yelping in pain every couple of minutes and I ended up sleeping on the floor next to her thinking it was close. I can't bear to take her into a vet, because I know she will be so scared....and I know they will want to do testing and then treatment on a disease I am 100% sure she has, prolonging her pain. For those who know me, I am a dog person, and my love for my dogs goes on forever....and I can't bear to see her go through that. I've tried to contact a few vets that do house calls, but I have yet to get a call back. Ashley is leaving it up to me to decide what o do, but I just can't make the decision on my own. She is my baby...and just looking at her is making me sob uncontrollably.

Watching what you say...

Shit happens and often it's not coming from the tail end. Sometimes, what you put out of your mouth is just as bad as the stuff that comes out of your rear. In the past, I was exceptional at the latter. I talked fast and occasionally didn't think before words came out of my mouth. It was always something Ashley wanted me to work on, and now, I can truly say that I put alot of effort into this.

What does this have to do with this blog? Plenty.

Think about before you starting trying to have a baby. Think about the conversations you had about getting pregnant or your fertility.

I remember having a discussion with a coworker (during my insert foot in mouth phase) in which we were discussing the timing of baby. She was curious when we were going to start trying, and I informed her we were going to wait until December of 2008... because, well, I'm so fertile we'll be pregnant the first night we try. Little did I know, she had been trying for 3 years.

Now, we're both trying and I wish I could apologize for that conversation over and over again every time I talk to her.

A few days ago, someone asked me if I was pregnant yet, and while I was replying no, a "foot in mouth" kinda gal walked up and joined in on the conversation. She asked how long we'd been trying, I responded. She prompty announced "if we tried, we'd be pregnant right away, I'm soooooooo fertile"and "maybe you are not" ......and she's in her fifties. I could have body checked her without a second thought.

The other big thing I think that literally burns me to my bone are the phrases "well, maybe you aren't meant to have a baby" or "maybe you won't get pregnant" or "it will happen when the time is right/meant to be." I am not religious so the timing thing/meant to be thing is ridiculous, but I do believe that words can hurt and if you put something out there in the universe, maybe it will happen...so the last thing you should say to a person who is literally dreaming of being pregnant is maybe you won't be or that you are not meant to procreate. We are mammals, our entire purpose in life is to procreate and have our genes go on, so saying that it's not meant to be is like saying that your entire purpose for being is mute.

We've all probably said something to the like, either before we knew what we were saying or even as something meant to hurt. Before we started trying to get pregnant, we were super human fertiles, just waiting to burst out the first baby when we were ready. After month one, as the overwhelming sadness of that first failure took over, we became the wanters. Four months or four years...failure month after month becomes the same. And as a wanter, I just ask that people think about what they say, you never know what the person is going through on the other end of the conversation.

The Justification of Sleep

The one thing that I can truly say I enjoy because I do not have a child is sleep. I am not a morning person normally and fight getting up before 8am. I justify sleeping in until 9am or so because I don't have a kid yet, and I know this precious time will never be the same when a little one takes over that title "precious." I love sleep, but I know I would love being a mom more.

I know there are probably other things I'd be giving up, but for now the only thing I know for sure would go down the drain is the sleep thing.

And on that note of "giving up things," I thought I would speak to the idea that having a baby or becoming a mother is so that people would pay attention to that person.

I am Jack's complete lack of surprise.

This idea is wrong.

Spending 9 months experiencing any of the following symptoms is not worth any amount of attention someone may seek: nausea, hemorrhoids, stretch marks, fat ankles, or a much larger uterus that may never be the same. No coffee or alcohol or PEANUT butter, my favorite things! Then after baby comes, it is all about the baby. No one comes to your house to hang out with you, especially since you haven't showered for two days and you are waddling like a 8lb baby has just come out of your vagina. They want to smell the baby smell and hold the sack of potatoes that is a crying bundle of joy. From the moment you have a child, life becomes about that little one, not you. Everything you do is no longer about you, you will lose friends, your habits have to change, and you no longer get the best gifts at Christmas...hell, you may not get any, unless you count the new Dora Movie your child got so you don't have to watch the old one anymore.

So, if attention is what a person seeks, the last thing in the world they would want to do is have a child. Instead, tell your parents you are becoming a wican, get some sleeve tattoos, and start showing up to all family functions drunk, hell, drive there drunk... that will get you the attention you apparently seek.

Things I do...

Things I do the other 23 hours of a day when I am not posting (something ridiculous and/or funny on this blog) or thinking about baby stuff.

Read - I like to read at least a book a week at this point. Two if I can.

Play - I am seriously addicted to Animal Crossing, I love that game. If I am ever home for a long period of time this is my go to game. I have wasted 6 hours straight before, and I'm not afraid to do it again.

Craft - You will likely find me doing this 10-20 hours a week. If I am not knitting, I am sewing. If I am not sewing, I am finding some creative thing to make as a gift for someone else. This is why one room in my house is dedicated to such a thing.

Trivia - Meeting up with people who genuinely like my company. Having a few drinks (not now, but man it used to be fun) and enjoying some laughs.

My Pets - These guys take up a quarter of each day, they are my children from another mother (or species, whatever). If I am not feeding them, I am cleaning up after them...their puke, their hair, and sometimes their messes. They are like my practice for dealing with an unclean house after having a baby.

School - I have returned to school on a part time basis. This quarter, an online class. See me at the end of the year and hopefully (funds willing) I will have my bachelors.

I work - Just about 35-40 a week.

I sleep - Usually 8-9 hours a night.

So, in general, if it seems like I am uber-obsessed to some people, please see the above list for things I do most of my day...

This blog is meant to be an outlet for the crazy, something funny to look back on after we've grown a belly, produced a child, and can't remember how crazy we were in the process. I know that it might seem strange to some, but this is my life and I appreciate every one of you for coming along for the journey.

BreakOut Face

Giving that we have a few more days to the Big O, I thought I would enlighten you all with my current headache of sorts. (A blog is only a good blog when you are complaining about something, right?)

I work in the cosmetic area of a certain large department store. When you think of the cosmetic area, you think of working around alot of pretty people with lots of makeup on and 4 inch heels. Forward to my current craze, hormone driven acne face. It can be really irritating to try to sell someone makeup while they stare at my pimple mess. I have tried many a fix, from new skincare to different foundation, to no avail. Not only am I getting to the threshold of crazy with baby, I have now entered the same realm due to my face...

My list of duds include:
Shis.eido W.hite Luc.ent Cleansing Foam
Shis.eido Skincare Pu.rifying Foam
Orig.ins Per.fect World Cleanser
Orig.ins Orga.nic Face Wash
Clin.ique Mild Fa.ce Wash
Clin.ique 7 da.y scrub

The other issue I have is trying to match a foundation to my skin. I am pale. Makeup is seemingly not made for pale people. I need to find one that works soon, this isn't okay to show up with a line because my foundation doesn't match or newly dry skin from irratation.

My list of duds include:
Shis.eido Dual B.alancing
Dio.r N.ude
Dio.r Fore.ver
Clin.ique Eve.n Tone
Clin.ique Su.per Ba.lanced
Este.e Lau.der Dou.ble W.ear
Co.ver Gi.rl
Maybell.ine

If ANY of you have tried something that works, I will try it! I am not beyond spending a fortune coming up with something that actually works. I always loved having a clear face and even skin...so this is really driving me bonkers.