A wee bit of a problem.

Just a wee one. And really it's not a problem.

A lot of thoughts going through my head and I just want confirmation this is real before I discuss any further.




-- Post From My iPhone

A day of reckoning

God. I hope I don't get my period today. I'd prefer if it was for a good reason rather than just being late.

My boobs are huge, like Victoria secret huge. Which is alot for my size b cup.

Early in the month, I experienced a week worth of really bad cramping near a ovary. Normally I would say it was just normal ovulation, but I had to stop in a store twice to sit down during one of those cramps. I had made an appt, but it was a week out and the day before the appt, I was feeling fine. Ash really wants me to see someone about it, and he threw somewhat of a man-tantrum thinking I could have something wrong with me or worse causing us to not conceive. So the appt is rescheduled for tomorrow to appease the ash god.

My heart goes out to breeder beware. I haven't seen the update yet, but she was hoping for a positive yesterday! Here's hoping!

-- Post From My iPhone

The hardest part

I'm definitely in the two week wait, but I'm trying not to pay attention to the chart. I don't want to think about it, but that is hard to do with two new babies in the family and the constant question of am I. I am a pretty honest person and am usually up front about my life with people, but that has backfired a little because now everyone is aware that we've been trying, hence the am I question.

I try not to think about what could be.. It would make my day to get pregnant for fathers day, hell, it would make my year. This blog is going to get scarce of symptoms this time around because of last month and the deep disappoint we faced of thinking we could really be pregnant. I know you all who read this have been through that trial, it sucks and I just can't handle doing it again this month.

I feel like a debbie downer, but I'll try to fill the space with groceies and other tidbits of randomness I can think of while I pretend I won't focus on pregnancy symptoms.

A long day

Gonna post about groceries tomorrow, but just to update everyone as to my last few days, here's the review...

Baby tempie visited Friday, Ash was awake and was able to really able to see her for a bit. She got a bath in our sink and spent some time being a fussy 17 day old baby. Ash spent most of the visit holding her and was at ease doing it... I was jealous, I wanted to hold her too!

I had a doctor's appt, my first one where the focus was fertility. I wanted to find a doctor in my area that I could potentialy see through pregnancy and beyond. I think I found him. He walks in with sheets on fertility for me to have and was very honest and non judging about how long we'd been trying. Realistically, if we get to the year point then we'll start the testing, but for now he wants me to focus on eating healthy (and more) and gain a little weight as he thinks my body mass is low...21 and he'd liked to it be a little higher. He also asked if after he was successful in helping us conceive if we had an on and family doctor in mind, after I told him I'd love to stick with him, he said he was pleased, as he loves being part of the making of a baby and then be able to watch the baby grow. Swoon.

Omg. I hate the new generation of teens. They ransacked my store and started a fist fight, started a fire in the parking lot of another store, and broke glass and graffitied at yet another one. (sounds like a full on riot, but really just a couple thousand kids loitering at a mall for too long) All during some skate festival outside in the mall parking lot. My store is the the store people used to get dressed up to come to, today they walked thru it without shirts on and cursing. I got to be on escalator police duty today, it was really super fun and all day I went from being polite about it at 11am to nearly cursing back by 7pm. When did an escalator become a toy? Seriously.


-- Post From My iPhone

Baby woes

Big family gathering Sunday and the introduction to life with new babies. The family was gaga, and I was able to get a few good moments with tempie. It was extremely trying emotionally to see my dad, who is hands down the one who yearns for grand baby most, hold her. A few comments brought me to a tear or two, I know no one meant it but sometimes no matter how you say something it can still hurt.

I must say that I never expected to find such a friend in my cousin...until she was pregnant we didn't have much in common. But, she is by far the most understanding and can just look at me and tell how I'm taking things. She's also the first to come to my rescue and help me get off of my lonely pity hill. During a rather fussy baby moment we snuck to a quiet room with baby and she did what only she can do best, make me feel okay and hopeful.

When I finally do get pregnant, I can't wait to share my experiences with her and look to her for guidance.... A new long life friendship has come out of all of this quiet rage of why me.


-- Post From My iPhone

100th post

So here it is...my hundredth post.
I envisioned this to be a much more vibrant, full of glee kind of a post. Unfortunately, both Ash and I experienced a wave of different emotions, from estatic and absolutely sure we were expecting, to crying and full of dread that this just isn't our month. I had a blood test on Monday, after having the biggest boobs Ive ever seen over the weekend. Although we don't have the results yet, my period seems to have started hours after the blood test. Ash is still hoping that the test shows positive and that this is just decidual bleeding...but my hopes have been throw into the disposal.

I am jacks bleeding heart.

I have that appt scheduled for Monday with a new doctor, hopefully well finally be on the right track with a doctor (and office) that actualy cares about getting us to our goal. We may hear from the old office with the blood tests results this week.. but like I said, it's pretty much a no in my book, and that's the hardest feeling to swallow.

And to top it off...

To all that filled my ears with "relax it will happen". SCREW YOU. I relaxed this last month in that there were other things stressful going on during my ovulation week, so we didn't focus on that...and guess what! We didn't get pregnant. Just because you got pregnant right away or by accident, does not make you the authority on how I should feel during this process. Spend a month in my shoes, I dare you.

To the one who made fun of my hopes and possibilty of being pregnant...FUCK OFF. If you were going to talk shit, you shouldn't have asked me about the whole thing like you actually cared. This is why nobody likes you. Just because we have to spend so much time together each week, I will tolerate you only with conversation about the weather and current news, if you dare ask about baby related topics, I swear I will cuss you out in front of everyone and embarass the hell out of you. Don't tempt me.

-- Post From My iPhone

Still here, laying in wait

Still waiting.

If you read my comments yesterday, you know I talked with my mom and found out that tests don't work for my type of people. People with thyroid problems... I guess there is a lot of people all over the Internet that have the same problem. Finding out at 10 weeks because tests didn't work for them, and some blood tests didn't work either.. A tlc show waiting to happen.

I am both thrilled and still unsure, I don't want this to turn out badly. I still feel I could be, still getting some odd symptoms I didn't even know were pregnancy symptoms. To continue my "list"...

That "burning" sensation- ok, it's not exactly like that, but it feels like a uti on it's way or that I need to go change a tampon. Tmi I know. But it's how this feels.

Boobs- big, then little, then big again. Veins totally visible last night, non existent this morning.

Holy gas batman- uncomfortable much?

Unhungry- never sounds good. Food that is.

Will hold off posts until results from blood test, should be Tuesday.

-- Post From My iPhone

Wait for it...

I just spoke with the appt taker at that doctors office I want to switch to, the one with the free pregnancy testing. I made a new patient appt with a doctor who also does ob. The appt isn't until May 18th. Being that is so fat away I could go apeshit and become a recluse of the downstairs bathroom, peeing over and over again on tests and giggling all crazy like... I told her about my lateness. She suggested to wait just a few more days and then come in. 4 days late is too early for good results.

I had to be that person. The one that tests may or may not work for.

Thanks to my soul mate, the precious (read iPhone,) I've been able to track fertility with an app from fertilityfriend.com. I am somewhere between 15 and 18 dpo (starting to think I may have just ovulated late) and have been able to note some very interesting symptoms.

Hello girls- larger more sensitive boobs last night.

1point Af versus 1point pregnant

Damn I'm pale- veins meet my torso and lady friends.

1 point Af vs 2point pregnant

Who needs an alarm- new functional 7am brain. (started at 8:15, then 8, then 7:30, this morning 6:15.)

1point Af vs 2point pregnant vs 1point insomnia

Sitting now- walk up stairs, need to sit. Take shower, need to sit.

2points Af vs 3points pregnant vs 1 point insomnia.

I am Melissa's uterus- pleased to meet you. Oh that... I just wanted to pinch myself and make sure you were paying attention.

2points Af vs 4 points pregnant vs 1 point insomnia.

To be continued...

-- Post From My iPhone.

And it's still not here

Depending on when Ive read, or that watch... I should have ovulated on the 21st or the 20th. I don't know if that was true, I didn't really have any signs that I did. I am 14 or 15 days past at the moment.

The signs or symptoms I have had...

Waking up on my own before 7:30, very very out of the ordinary for me.

Sharp unhappy twinges near my ovary (I don't wanna know what possibly could be just yet)

A slight headache, could be the not sleeping in.

Really painful and restless legs, I worked out in the yard for an hour early last week... But this is five days later and my legs are so tired I have to take multiple breaks at work.

But still not pregnant says the sporcle stick....

A local doctors office that I would be using as my ob offers free pregnancy tests, I am just hesitent to go in because I don't want the wrong result, but I am close to breaking down to get this taken care of. If those twinges in my ovary area are what I think it is....I should get in for an exam anyhow.

-- Post From My iPhone

Funny

Thought this was funny, filing it in the back of my brain as things not to do if we ever do get "with child."

False Hope

As I am not looking at pregnancy symptoms this time around, I thought I'd have it easy....I either am or not. But I can't fake a little spotting that happened over last night. I haven't had that before, but I know that it can be common before a period. I'm not trying to instill false hope in something that isn't there, but hell, I can't help it. I'm still new at this, which means I still hang out until the last possible second and swear up and down this is it. I've only been burned 4 times so far. There is still awhile to go before I hate getting up these four days before my period because I know it will start badly with a fat negative staring me in the face. There is still small glimmers of hope in my mind everytime I pee on that dollar, hoping that maybe this is the lucky dollar.

Early Birthday Amazingness..

Seriously, Ash has had his fair share of duds when it comes to gifts. See here.

But, this morning, a full 5 days before my birthday...a UPS truck happened upon my door. Ash was still asleep and I tossed the package on the table thinking it was another tool for his xbox controller thing he's making. He stumbled down the stairs and told me that I'd better open it.

Low and behold! New Iphone! OMG OMG OMG

We agreed that he needed one at the beginning of this year and that I would wait until the end of the year to get my own, due to how expensive it is. I have been hinting at wanting one, if he asked me a question about an address or movie times, I would bring out my imaginary iphone and pretend to find the answer. Hint Taken!

It came at a great time. I knew this month was not working, only 5 days until my period and I have zero symptoms...including pms symptoms (odd, really). My boobs haven't started hurting and I don't have super acne face. I can't even claim "maybe pregnant" symptoms, dammit!

Did you see both my period and my birthday are coming on the same day...super excited, let me tell you.

And the stress keeps a coming...

I don't know if I have the full energy to get into this now, but I'm a little stressed out from a phone call I just had with my mom and well, this blog is for stress ranting, so bear with me.

My mother and father split up back when I was 2. Both parties were in the wrong, in my opinion, and hell, they were very young. My mom moved us away and changed our last names to reflect her new husband by the time I was five. We referred to my father as sperm donor until I was 20, if we ever mentioned him at all. Throughout these years, I heard horror stories about how awful he and his family were, and at 18 I thought he wanted to kidnap me. When I was 20, I accidentally found him through his sister that we had limited contact with as children.

Turns out he wasn't this crazed manaic I had envisioned. Over the following 7 years (this june) I tried to understand his point of view while ducking the hatred coming from my mother for talking to him. Like I said, both parties were young, and after a lot of soul searching and questions on my part, I chose to keep him in my life.

This is the overlying issue that seems to cloud over my feelings for my mom's side of the family. Comments always seem to be made about how they feel about me talking to him, or how much they don't like him. I don't always take them well, I mean this is the person I now call my father. Plus, my father's side never has anything ill to say about my mother or that side of the family, so it just seems a little lopsided.

Conversations with my mom always seem to get to this point, where we hash over the same old stuff over and over, especially this topic. Hence, the blog post about tonight's phone call.

Blah Blah Blah (underlying guilt comment) blah blah blah...really that's not what I meant it to be...blah blah blah blah.

I may go more into depth about all of this in the coming months as Ash and my main concern is bringing our own child into a mix of "Grandpa's the devil" kind of conversations my mom's side may (or may not) seep into our child's brain. Ash's opinion is that it will lead to us never leaving a baby alone with that side of the family (both for this reason, and our difference in religion...he's pretty sure they'll be told that their parents are the devil too).

I ended up hanging up on her (it often leads to that) and after many texts and voicemails, I finally responded....in a text: Either live with it or risk causing harm. I'll let her make her own judgment as to what it means.

Boooh. I just want some wine right now.

I survived...

the baby shower.

It was very long, about 3 and a half hours. I was doing okay amid 5 or so pregnant gals in a group of fifty. The jealously and fear weighed me down, but all in all I did what I could to focus on why I was there.

Only two mishaps that made me want to start crying. Nothing that a normal, well balanced person couldn't handle. In my present state, I would definitely not lump me into that department. Thankfully one of my cousins (due on the 3rd) was able to talk me down off the tear ledge.

I am just really afraid that maybe it won't come, maybe I won't be able to get pregnant without help. The internet both helps and doesn't...I've found alot of blogs to read of people who have been trying for years to no avail and some that tried for just a month and were able to conceive right away. I wonder where I will fall in this...but am scared to know the answer.

Pregnancy Annoucements - Mom

I've always been a creative kind of gal, so it is no surprise that one of the first things I start to think about if I think I may be pregnant (I don't think so at the moment, but work with me here) is how to announce it.

Previous Announcements:

Easter
Fortune Cookie
Big Game
Dad Help
Gas Card
Gathering
PhotoBook
Construction Dad

Being that mother's day is around the corner, it's time to start thinking of how to spring a new baby on your mom...

Outing Take your mom out on the town for Mother's day. Start with breakfast or lunch, get some pedicures, and finish your day shopping. Make one of your last stores Babies.R.Us or another baby driven retailer, hell further the wait by saying you just need a gift. After a while, grab a registry gun and see if she gets the hint!

Subscription Plan ahead and get a subscription for Grandparents magazine to be sent to their house, either wrap up a copy and gift it to them...or just wait as they ponder why they would be receiving such a magazine in the mail.

PhotoAlbum Using one of the online sources or crafting it up on your own, create a photo album of memories your mother and you have had, leave the last page with a title "the moment you found out we were pregnant."

Yet another me focused day...

Hey! I didn't think about how many days until I can test yesterday. Yesterday was all about spending time with Ashley and see our favorite band, the Killers. We both did get a little warm and fuzzy at seeing a couple of dads and moms with their kids at the concert, and imagining taking our kids to see their favorite band. And I'll admit I eyed a very pregnant gal in the crowds and wished I could be her (but not at the concert...we were really close and it was super loud.) I've heard it's not good to go to concerts when pregnant. I'm going to No Doubt in July, so if you guys have heard anything, I'm listening.

Also, realized that General Admission is no longer my cup o' tea. I felt like I was about ten years older than anyone in the crowd. We were enjoying the music, not making fun of someone else or texting a friend who wasn't at the concert, so Ash and I were definitely out of place! Seriously! You paid to see a band, you can do those things later. God, I'm old.

EDIT: I forgot to mention that I cussed out a 17 year old....yeah, I'm that cool.

The Justification of Sleep

The one thing that I can truly say I enjoy because I do not have a child is sleep. I am not a morning person normally and fight getting up before 8am. I justify sleeping in until 9am or so because I don't have a kid yet, and I know this precious time will never be the same when a little one takes over that title "precious." I love sleep, but I know I would love being a mom more.

I know there are probably other things I'd be giving up, but for now the only thing I know for sure would go down the drain is the sleep thing.

And on that note of "giving up things," I thought I would speak to the idea that having a baby or becoming a mother is so that people would pay attention to that person.

I am Jack's complete lack of surprise.

This idea is wrong.

Spending 9 months experiencing any of the following symptoms is not worth any amount of attention someone may seek: nausea, hemorrhoids, stretch marks, fat ankles, or a much larger uterus that may never be the same. No coffee or alcohol or PEANUT butter, my favorite things! Then after baby comes, it is all about the baby. No one comes to your house to hang out with you, especially since you haven't showered for two days and you are waddling like a 8lb baby has just come out of your vagina. They want to smell the baby smell and hold the sack of potatoes that is a crying bundle of joy. From the moment you have a child, life becomes about that little one, not you. Everything you do is no longer about you, you will lose friends, your habits have to change, and you no longer get the best gifts at Christmas...hell, you may not get any, unless you count the new Dora Movie your child got so you don't have to watch the old one anymore.

So, if attention is what a person seeks, the last thing in the world they would want to do is have a child. Instead, tell your parents you are becoming a wican, get some sleeve tattoos, and start showing up to all family functions drunk, hell, drive there drunk... that will get you the attention you apparently seek.

Spiritual Dances Welcome

I wonder if there is an anti period dance I could do. Anything to keep tomorrow from going downhill fast...

I don't feel amazing at the moment, lots of random body things to ponder over, and yet the dreaded pregnancy test reigns in true symbolism of "am I."

I ran by Walgreens today and picked up some tests, Clear blue Easy ones, which after researching yet again when I got home, I came to the realization these were the tests not to get. Most tests register at 25 units of hormone, while this one is at 50...so I could get a positive on a dollar store test and still get a negative from this one for 3-4 days. They had won me over with their digital "pregnant" and "not pregnant," and in the sheer want of a definite answer, I chose them over the more accurate ones. Oh well. Tomorrow should be the start of the new cycle, so I am going to hold off on the one test remaining until Sunday morning (a day late is a pretty good symptom in my book). What happened to the plural of the tests I spoke of earlier.....yeah, I pretty much ran to the bathroom as soon as I got home and low and behold it was "not pregnant."

Stupid test.

If Only...

While Ashley's little sisters are here, we tend to eat out alot. Case in point, what can be barely called chinese "Panda Express" (although quite tasty) is what we devoured at about 9pm last night. The girls have been nagging us about babies for about two years now, so Ashley and I have always been honest with them about the progress. They really want a niece or nephew now.

So, when we got to the fortune cookies, we all picked one out of the 15 they gave us and opened up. Mine is pictured above in the picture, the girls see this as a definite sign and promptly wrote their own to match below. Mine states: Any Doubts You May Have Will Disappear Early This Month. Theirs: Your Sister In Law is Prego.

I honestly couldn't tell you if it's true, as I didn't pick up any more tests last night, so I'll just wait until tomorrow to test and find out. Either way tomorrow is the do or die day, onto the next month of wonders and a new OV watch to try out... I just need to get a battery for it!

Still the same

Another negative today. Sweet Jesus this is killing me.

I've had some cramping yesterday and today, so my period is probably right on track for Saturday. Funny that before I started jotting down any and all things going on with my body that the only "sign" I thought I had of a period coming was severe cramps two to three hours before I started. I now know that I have a good variety of PMS and other symptoms up to a week before my period!

I still cling onto the last bits of hope for this month.. the ovulation ticker at the bottom of this blog suggests that a negative test could just be a too early test on today's date. I really hope this is the answer. I'm officially out of tests, and with only two days to go, I don't know whether to buckle down and get some of the good tests, or just swing by the dollar store tomorrow and pick up some more cheapies.

Even Ash is slightly irritated at this whole process, he says it's just frustrating to keep getting negatives... as least he isn't thinking about it 24 hours a day all month like good ol' crazy here.

I was talking with my brother (see previous posts) Adam and he made me feel a little more normal for thinking about strangling the next person to tell me "just stop trying, it will happen when you stop thinking about it." I'm glad violence runs in our family when it comes to that statement! Try and stop thinking about....what you are eating, drinking, feeling...just stop seeing all of those teenage moms wander thru macys on their way to the food court with newborn infants in umbrella strollers, screaming their heads off, and their mom shaking the stroller to get them to stop...instead of supporting their child's bouncing head and look around...do you see a bottle or a diaper bag, NO... because clearly these people can procreate and make AMAZING parents. Sorry, that rant is coming from an internal desire to slap someone for telling me to not think about it... people who make good parents worry about things related to the making and raising of a child.