100th post

So here it is...my hundredth post.
I envisioned this to be a much more vibrant, full of glee kind of a post. Unfortunately, both Ash and I experienced a wave of different emotions, from estatic and absolutely sure we were expecting, to crying and full of dread that this just isn't our month. I had a blood test on Monday, after having the biggest boobs Ive ever seen over the weekend. Although we don't have the results yet, my period seems to have started hours after the blood test. Ash is still hoping that the test shows positive and that this is just decidual bleeding...but my hopes have been throw into the disposal.

I am jacks bleeding heart.

I have that appt scheduled for Monday with a new doctor, hopefully well finally be on the right track with a doctor (and office) that actualy cares about getting us to our goal. We may hear from the old office with the blood tests results this week.. but like I said, it's pretty much a no in my book, and that's the hardest feeling to swallow.

And to top it off...

To all that filled my ears with "relax it will happen". SCREW YOU. I relaxed this last month in that there were other things stressful going on during my ovulation week, so we didn't focus on that...and guess what! We didn't get pregnant. Just because you got pregnant right away or by accident, does not make you the authority on how I should feel during this process. Spend a month in my shoes, I dare you.

To the one who made fun of my hopes and possibilty of being pregnant...FUCK OFF. If you were going to talk shit, you shouldn't have asked me about the whole thing like you actually cared. This is why nobody likes you. Just because we have to spend so much time together each week, I will tolerate you only with conversation about the weather and current news, if you dare ask about baby related topics, I swear I will cuss you out in front of everyone and embarass the hell out of you. Don't tempt me.

-- Post From My iPhone

Sue Me.

Yeah, it's the two week wait. And I didn't feel bad when I ordered the margarita at happy hour before trivia, then two more drinks at the bar during trivia. It was all a little much to drink, but damn if it didn't make me feel better at the moment. Having not drank hard alcohol in over two months, it worked faster then when I was a lush who drank all the time at triv (not excessively, but during fun times, yes). I still feel a little bad, but hell, it's only day one after ovulation. Being so strict about everything and all the crazy going on...I just needed it.

Seriously, this month is mute anyway. Stress galore, might as well add alcohol to it to seal the deal. We've gotta start doing things the bad way, maybe we'll get pregnant quicker.

Ash and I are both amazed about this process. He even commented the other day about all the people getting pregnant by "accident" and how it was maddening to him that we had to try so hard. I told him we just needed to get uber drunk one night and use the pull out method, that seems to be the ticket to pregnancy from what I understand around here. It's nice that it's frustrating to him too, I have a friend indeed in this crazy world of baby.

Watching what you say...

Shit happens and often it's not coming from the tail end. Sometimes, what you put out of your mouth is just as bad as the stuff that comes out of your rear. In the past, I was exceptional at the latter. I talked fast and occasionally didn't think before words came out of my mouth. It was always something Ashley wanted me to work on, and now, I can truly say that I put alot of effort into this.

What does this have to do with this blog? Plenty.

Think about before you starting trying to have a baby. Think about the conversations you had about getting pregnant or your fertility.

I remember having a discussion with a coworker (during my insert foot in mouth phase) in which we were discussing the timing of baby. She was curious when we were going to start trying, and I informed her we were going to wait until December of 2008... because, well, I'm so fertile we'll be pregnant the first night we try. Little did I know, she had been trying for 3 years.

Now, we're both trying and I wish I could apologize for that conversation over and over again every time I talk to her.

A few days ago, someone asked me if I was pregnant yet, and while I was replying no, a "foot in mouth" kinda gal walked up and joined in on the conversation. She asked how long we'd been trying, I responded. She prompty announced "if we tried, we'd be pregnant right away, I'm soooooooo fertile"and "maybe you are not" ......and she's in her fifties. I could have body checked her without a second thought.

The other big thing I think that literally burns me to my bone are the phrases "well, maybe you aren't meant to have a baby" or "maybe you won't get pregnant" or "it will happen when the time is right/meant to be." I am not religious so the timing thing/meant to be thing is ridiculous, but I do believe that words can hurt and if you put something out there in the universe, maybe it will happen...so the last thing you should say to a person who is literally dreaming of being pregnant is maybe you won't be or that you are not meant to procreate. We are mammals, our entire purpose in life is to procreate and have our genes go on, so saying that it's not meant to be is like saying that your entire purpose for being is mute.

We've all probably said something to the like, either before we knew what we were saying or even as something meant to hurt. Before we started trying to get pregnant, we were super human fertiles, just waiting to burst out the first baby when we were ready. After month one, as the overwhelming sadness of that first failure took over, we became the wanters. Four months or four years...failure month after month becomes the same. And as a wanter, I just ask that people think about what they say, you never know what the person is going through on the other end of the conversation.

Crampy Crabby and Crafty

Yes, this sums up how I felt this past few days. Crampy and crabby.... pretty much my attitude towards periodness and the failure to procreate this past month. Crafty.... well, I've got two upcoming baby showers this month for family members... showers where I will be asked over and over and over again when Ashley and I are going to have a baby of our own. We'll be asked this so many times that if you see some news regarding a crazed woman that's taken hostages at Babies R Us over the weekend, you'll know who that woman is.

Just saying.

Although I am not going to be fond of the barrage of questions about babyness, I am fond of the new mamas to be, so if was only fair to make some cute things in my crafty way.

The diaper cake is a work in progress. I still need larger ribbon to finish it (try not to look at the mismatching ribbon). It's my first attempt at one, and I must say it is not nearly as expensive or difficult as it is made out to be. This is mostly for decorating a table at the shower, so the cake includes a ducky robe, baby lotion, baby shampoo, baby qtips, a handmade ducky rattle and diapers. It was roughly $20 to make.

The baby blanket is for stroller use mainly. It's about 24 x 18 and super soft. I took the extra time to finish some detailing so I guess if Babyzilla (the new grandma always calls me something with zilla on the end as a joke, I was the first bride in the family...aka bridezilla...so it's only fitting I call her grandbaby and my new 2nd cousin a zilla too) didn't like it, it can always be used as a wall hanging or doll blanket. Personally, I think it's adorable and I really hope she and her mom will enjoy it.

Wish me luck this weekend, I'm sure I'll post again before then... but I can use any support I can get to prepare me for "Are You" "Are You" "Are You" (spoken like the seagulls in Finding Nemo...mine! mine! mine!)

Welcome to Frustration.

Damn this OV watch. First the battery had to be replaced, it was a trial that really took about an hour of Ash and I working together on...next came the crying fits of it not reading...finally at the point I was ready to throw it down and give up, I tried one last time, and behold, it started reading. The rough part now is that in order to get a reading at all, I have to tighten it so much on my wrist that it's uncomfortable.

After this first two days (barely in to the second day) I really have some major frustrations with the watch. It doesn't really read. Most times I check, it reads "not reading".. sometimes I get "skin too dry" after adding a little water to my wrist to move the sensor along (seriously, I moisturize twice a day). The thing I most worry about is that even after 14 days of checking over and over again to see if it is working, the watch will be a failure in my quest to determine when I ovulate.

Anyone tried this? Can you alleviate my frustrations and guide me to the correct way to use this damned thing?

A little background information..

With my new traffic widget, it seems I now know I am actually talking to someone, not just myself. As you might have browsed my blog, my posts have started out ramming away at the baby making thing without much of a beginning back story. It's probably best if you know a little about me and my life!

My husband and I met about 7 years ago on a night out on the town for both of us. I ran into some old high school acquaintances and noticed this handsome fellow among the group. We both went to the same high school, but different grades, and had known of each other through a variety of social gatherings and classes. He was a bit drunk that night (and met TWO Melissas, no less) and I had been the DD for my group so the chemistry was a bit off then... but I called him the next day and asked him out for a beer.

Two months later we were adopting a puppy together, three months we were living together. We lived in good ol' sin until 3 years had passed...he finally proposed on Christmas Eve. We had gotten extremely good tickets to a Seahawks game, the season they went to the Superbowl, and he got down on his knee before halftime. I didn't say yes...I said "oh shit, are you okay" thinking he had finally blown out his bad knee.

The wedding was simple, we had a blast. Onward to life, right? Two and a half years into marriage and we decide...."well, it wouldn't suck if we got pregnant anymore." Suck as in the financial suck, the bad timing suck, the is our marriage ready for this suck. I threw out the birth control pills and we started the process of the hurry up and wait pregnancy plan. As of today, we've been trying for 3 months, since January 6th to be exact. And, although, in most couples baby making time, this is nothing....I still am ready and waiting for this to happen!

This sucks...

I work, come home, Ash is at work. I wake up, he's asleep, I work, come home, Ash is at work.
We are living two seperate lives it seems.....and it just so happens this kind of schedule comes when we need to be "hanging out together."

Oh well. I get to drink at Trivia for another few weeks before we try again if this doesn't work.
(We won by the way! First ever Win!)