Sibling jealously

Baby was born last night. I am officially an aunt and officially jealous of my brother. I didn't really get jealous of the pregnancy, just the aftermath of being able to hold a baby in your arms and know that they are yours to raise and love.

I feel badly for my dad, he's officially is a grandpa for the first time but my brother has sided with my mom and they aren't speaking. He didn't even get a email, text, or a phone call. I forwarded the information as I received it including pictures. I tried to broach the subject with my brother and my mom but just got dead response. I kniw that they should be able to feel what they feel, but this is an important milestone and one that should mend fences, not make taller ones. It makes me feel like when it's my turn that I should return the favor, but I'm not like that and unfortunately the only thing I can do is try to involve my dad as much as possible when it's us having the baby so he can really enjoy being a grandpa.

But, I can't wait to meet my newest family member, all said and done.

-- Post From My iPhone

To buy or to not buy....

Seriously.

I know from earlier posts that the whole pregnancy test thing might be worthless, and I say might be because I think I willed myself into believing my body won't show positive on a test like my mom....who conceived 4 unplanned children "just by looking at someone."

But I still can't seem to release the feeling of wanting to test, just in case.

Plus, now that I know I don't have that magical 29 day cycle thing, I could start tomorrow or a week from now. Thanks body! I can't wait to run to the bathroom, tampon in hand 15 times a day!

I am trying to come up with a game plan now that I have a new doctor and a brighter outlook (okay, a dim outlook, but it's better than dark) on this whole thing... see post here.

New things to try and ways to no longer save the money I was saving by stealing groceries -

Basal Thermometer
First Response Fertility Test
First Response Ovulation Test

Any thoughts on these?

The hardest part

I'm definitely in the two week wait, but I'm trying not to pay attention to the chart. I don't want to think about it, but that is hard to do with two new babies in the family and the constant question of am I. I am a pretty honest person and am usually up front about my life with people, but that has backfired a little because now everyone is aware that we've been trying, hence the am I question.

I try not to think about what could be.. It would make my day to get pregnant for fathers day, hell, it would make my year. This blog is going to get scarce of symptoms this time around because of last month and the deep disappoint we faced of thinking we could really be pregnant. I know you all who read this have been through that trial, it sucks and I just can't handle doing it again this month.

I feel like a debbie downer, but I'll try to fill the space with groceies and other tidbits of randomness I can think of while I pretend I won't focus on pregnancy symptoms.

A long day

Gonna post about groceries tomorrow, but just to update everyone as to my last few days, here's the review...

Baby tempie visited Friday, Ash was awake and was able to really able to see her for a bit. She got a bath in our sink and spent some time being a fussy 17 day old baby. Ash spent most of the visit holding her and was at ease doing it... I was jealous, I wanted to hold her too!

I had a doctor's appt, my first one where the focus was fertility. I wanted to find a doctor in my area that I could potentialy see through pregnancy and beyond. I think I found him. He walks in with sheets on fertility for me to have and was very honest and non judging about how long we'd been trying. Realistically, if we get to the year point then we'll start the testing, but for now he wants me to focus on eating healthy (and more) and gain a little weight as he thinks my body mass is low...21 and he'd liked to it be a little higher. He also asked if after he was successful in helping us conceive if we had an on and family doctor in mind, after I told him I'd love to stick with him, he said he was pleased, as he loves being part of the making of a baby and then be able to watch the baby grow. Swoon.

Omg. I hate the new generation of teens. They ransacked my store and started a fist fight, started a fire in the parking lot of another store, and broke glass and graffitied at yet another one. (sounds like a full on riot, but really just a couple thousand kids loitering at a mall for too long) All during some skate festival outside in the mall parking lot. My store is the the store people used to get dressed up to come to, today they walked thru it without shirts on and cursing. I got to be on escalator police duty today, it was really super fun and all day I went from being polite about it at 11am to nearly cursing back by 7pm. When did an escalator become a toy? Seriously.


-- Post From My iPhone

Baby woes

Big family gathering Sunday and the introduction to life with new babies. The family was gaga, and I was able to get a few good moments with tempie. It was extremely trying emotionally to see my dad, who is hands down the one who yearns for grand baby most, hold her. A few comments brought me to a tear or two, I know no one meant it but sometimes no matter how you say something it can still hurt.

I must say that I never expected to find such a friend in my cousin...until she was pregnant we didn't have much in common. But, she is by far the most understanding and can just look at me and tell how I'm taking things. She's also the first to come to my rescue and help me get off of my lonely pity hill. During a rather fussy baby moment we snuck to a quiet room with baby and she did what only she can do best, make me feel okay and hopeful.

When I finally do get pregnant, I can't wait to share my experiences with her and look to her for guidance.... A new long life friendship has come out of all of this quiet rage of why me.


-- Post From My iPhone

Still here, laying in wait

Still waiting.

If you read my comments yesterday, you know I talked with my mom and found out that tests don't work for my type of people. People with thyroid problems... I guess there is a lot of people all over the Internet that have the same problem. Finding out at 10 weeks because tests didn't work for them, and some blood tests didn't work either.. A tlc show waiting to happen.

I am both thrilled and still unsure, I don't want this to turn out badly. I still feel I could be, still getting some odd symptoms I didn't even know were pregnancy symptoms. To continue my "list"...

That "burning" sensation- ok, it's not exactly like that, but it feels like a uti on it's way or that I need to go change a tampon. Tmi I know. But it's how this feels.

Boobs- big, then little, then big again. Veins totally visible last night, non existent this morning.

Holy gas batman- uncomfortable much?

Unhungry- never sounds good. Food that is.

Will hold off posts until results from blood test, should be Tuesday.

-- Post From My iPhone

An Upgrade

I've gone from peeing on a dollar, to peeing on 5 dollars since yesterday.

Still waiting for something to happen, and it certainly isn't happening in pee stick form.

I wish that nature had a way of instant pregnancy knowledge, like your thumb nail turning neon purple. Not only would it help us who are trying to get pregnant know a lot sooner, it would also bring down the instances of alcohol and or drug abuse, if you have a purple thumb nail, you don't get served at the bar type of thing. If this were to happen, I and thousands of others, could turn this economic crisis around on our own....with all of the extra cash we would then have not being dumped on pregnancy tests, we could go out and buy stuff. Brilliant.

I am fighting the urge to go and have a blood test done. To be perfectly honest, I don't want it to come out that I'm not pregnant.....it's too close to my heart now. For those of you who think maybe this is just my imagination....your mind may be able to fake pregnancy symptoms because they also happen to be period ones, but 5 days late when I never am is something I can't fake.

If I went today and had one done, I would know in 4 or 5 days. That is just way too long for me. It might be the best way though, save the heartache every morning of one line smacking me between the eyes. I did my research yesterday....did you know that a small percentage of women see negatives on pee sticks until they are 8 weeks along! 8 weeks! Some at 12 weeks!

I would have to be one of those wouldn't I....? Couldn't go the whole normal route, gotta throw some kind of f*ing drama in for flair. Some even show negative on blood work. I would have thought these two tests of "are you" would be solid, apparently not. So even if I have it done, and it comes back negative, and my period doesn't show...I will still go around wondering could I. Thanks internet!

On a side note, this is my 98th post. In three months! Funny enough, you know I'll be posting tomorrow (99) and on sunday...(100). Look forward to seeing some more pee stick drama over the weekend. I really want my 100 post to be a positive, ironic being 100th (a celebration in itself) and being Mothers Day (better be positive...otherwise I'll be moping around sad, shaking fist in the air at the sky.)

Wait for it...

I just spoke with the appt taker at that doctors office I want to switch to, the one with the free pregnancy testing. I made a new patient appt with a doctor who also does ob. The appt isn't until May 18th. Being that is so fat away I could go apeshit and become a recluse of the downstairs bathroom, peeing over and over again on tests and giggling all crazy like... I told her about my lateness. She suggested to wait just a few more days and then come in. 4 days late is too early for good results.

I had to be that person. The one that tests may or may not work for.

Thanks to my soul mate, the precious (read iPhone,) I've been able to track fertility with an app from fertilityfriend.com. I am somewhere between 15 and 18 dpo (starting to think I may have just ovulated late) and have been able to note some very interesting symptoms.

Hello girls- larger more sensitive boobs last night.

1point Af versus 1point pregnant

Damn I'm pale- veins meet my torso and lady friends.

1 point Af vs 2point pregnant

Who needs an alarm- new functional 7am brain. (started at 8:15, then 8, then 7:30, this morning 6:15.)

1point Af vs 2point pregnant vs 1point insomnia

Sitting now- walk up stairs, need to sit. Take shower, need to sit.

2points Af vs 3points pregnant vs 1 point insomnia.

I am Melissa's uterus- pleased to meet you. Oh that... I just wanted to pinch myself and make sure you were paying attention.

2points Af vs 4 points pregnant vs 1 point insomnia.

To be continued...

-- Post From My iPhone.

Day 31?

So here I am a few days late. I'm not going to get all excited because I know it will happen, my period will start as soon as I start envisioning baby rooms and diaper bags.

I am not going to test until friday, for one I need to save money and for two I just can't envision wasting another dollar on tests (that I don't have a coupon for. I am really embracing this coupon thing!). Bare with me while I sit on the "period egg" waiting to hatch.

-- Posted From My iPhone

And we meet again.

Crazy lady made an appearance at my work yesterday. She's the one who predicted that I would be pregnant with a boy in may. She has since changed her mind, how weird coansidering it's may and low and
Behold... I'm not pregnant.

She now says I need brussel sprouts and hard greens. How bizarre.

I think I'll stick to reading my books and trying to eat more than just a candy bar for lunch. Thank you very much.

Off to enjoy my birthday.

-- Post From My iPhone

5 more days...

till I can test.

I pre-bought some dollar store tests just so I can be a ridiculous crazy and test whenever I damn feel like it...hell it's only a dollar.

Symptoms this time around are few, it's not close enough to really tell and I don't think that PMS ones should be happening quite yet. Ash says I'm cranky, but I've been a little tired lately, and tired makes me super crank. Not tired in the "oh my gosh I'm pregnant" kind of way, just a little more than usual...like going to bed an hour before I usually do. I could have had some uterine cramping yesterday, but it also could be my imagination.

Who knows...we'll just wait and see!

EDIT: Just wanted to show the crazy and say I tested on day 8 past ovulation...and oh my gosh what a surprise, it was negative. Those tests were just taunting me....I was weak.

I survived...

the baby shower.

It was very long, about 3 and a half hours. I was doing okay amid 5 or so pregnant gals in a group of fifty. The jealously and fear weighed me down, but all in all I did what I could to focus on why I was there.

Only two mishaps that made me want to start crying. Nothing that a normal, well balanced person couldn't handle. In my present state, I would definitely not lump me into that department. Thankfully one of my cousins (due on the 3rd) was able to talk me down off the tear ledge.

I am just really afraid that maybe it won't come, maybe I won't be able to get pregnant without help. The internet both helps and doesn't...I've found alot of blogs to read of people who have been trying for years to no avail and some that tried for just a month and were able to conceive right away. I wonder where I will fall in this...but am scared to know the answer.

8 more days...

8 more weary days until I can test to see if I am right or wrong about being pregnant. I am hoping I am wrong and that by miracle, I managed to conceive amid tons of stress and missed "connections."

A random thought to ponder...

You know when your seatbelt hits just so and you've just ate? Is that what it feels like to be pregnant? The pressure on your uterus, the bloat in the tummy? I was driving home today and that sensation came over me, not I think I'm pregnant, but thinking is that what a pregnant lady feels. Curious.

Headed to another death of my emotions...

The finally baby shower for April is today. Standing in the baby aisles yesterday to find a present was ridiculous, but at least I had a real purpose for being there instead of looking like a crazy lady eying babies in their strollers. So far since trying to make one of our own, I've been invited to four showers, FOUR in FOUR months, each one gets harder to attend. Just the pressure of my own mind while I am there kills...along with the questions of when yous. No one was pregnant it seems before we started trying...now everyone is and I am so jealous it is driving me batshit!

Sue Me.

Yeah, it's the two week wait. And I didn't feel bad when I ordered the margarita at happy hour before trivia, then two more drinks at the bar during trivia. It was all a little much to drink, but damn if it didn't make me feel better at the moment. Having not drank hard alcohol in over two months, it worked faster then when I was a lush who drank all the time at triv (not excessively, but during fun times, yes). I still feel a little bad, but hell, it's only day one after ovulation. Being so strict about everything and all the crazy going on...I just needed it.

Seriously, this month is mute anyway. Stress galore, might as well add alcohol to it to seal the deal. We've gotta start doing things the bad way, maybe we'll get pregnant quicker.

Ash and I are both amazed about this process. He even commented the other day about all the people getting pregnant by "accident" and how it was maddening to him that we had to try so hard. I told him we just needed to get uber drunk one night and use the pull out method, that seems to be the ticket to pregnancy from what I understand around here. It's nice that it's frustrating to him too, I have a friend indeed in this crazy world of baby.

Back on Track

This blog is about pregnancy, right? This last week has been difficult, in more ways than one. I seemed to have gotten hit from all sides; family, home and friends.

With all of this stress, my mind nearly imploded. My heart has been heavy.

Getting pregnant this month just doesn't seem in the cards. People say that stressing out about getting pregnant makes you not pregnant, well this time around, I'd about quadrupled the stress level with everything going on. The watch claims today is ovulation day, as does most of the charts I follow, but somehow my heart just knows it isn't this time. Maybe it's the lack of energy or happiness that I normally equate to trying to conceive. Who knows. During this two week wait, I may not have the guts to test everyday, no letdowns if I don't. I need a vacation, a much needed rest from this depression I'm headed towards. A day of sitting out in the sun perhaps.

In a few days, maybe I'll be back to the crazy two week wait death watch. For now, I'll relax and maybe enjoy a glass of wine at trivia tomorrow to calm my frazzled nerves.

The Justification of Sleep

The one thing that I can truly say I enjoy because I do not have a child is sleep. I am not a morning person normally and fight getting up before 8am. I justify sleeping in until 9am or so because I don't have a kid yet, and I know this precious time will never be the same when a little one takes over that title "precious." I love sleep, but I know I would love being a mom more.

I know there are probably other things I'd be giving up, but for now the only thing I know for sure would go down the drain is the sleep thing.

And on that note of "giving up things," I thought I would speak to the idea that having a baby or becoming a mother is so that people would pay attention to that person.

I am Jack's complete lack of surprise.

This idea is wrong.

Spending 9 months experiencing any of the following symptoms is not worth any amount of attention someone may seek: nausea, hemorrhoids, stretch marks, fat ankles, or a much larger uterus that may never be the same. No coffee or alcohol or PEANUT butter, my favorite things! Then after baby comes, it is all about the baby. No one comes to your house to hang out with you, especially since you haven't showered for two days and you are waddling like a 8lb baby has just come out of your vagina. They want to smell the baby smell and hold the sack of potatoes that is a crying bundle of joy. From the moment you have a child, life becomes about that little one, not you. Everything you do is no longer about you, you will lose friends, your habits have to change, and you no longer get the best gifts at Christmas...hell, you may not get any, unless you count the new Dora Movie your child got so you don't have to watch the old one anymore.

So, if attention is what a person seeks, the last thing in the world they would want to do is have a child. Instead, tell your parents you are becoming a wican, get some sleeve tattoos, and start showing up to all family functions drunk, hell, drive there drunk... that will get you the attention you apparently seek.

Not too bad...

The baby shower really wasn't a super experience, but it also wasn't awful. My step mom was ogling after one of my cousins who is glowing with pregnancy (not the one the shower was for) and I can tell you that was the most painful part...watching her wishing to be a grandma. The baby shower was good, my other cousin didn't know she was pregnant until she was about 5 months along so there wasn't much prep time in ways of finances and planning for the upcoming babe. Everyone really put forth an effort to make sure she would have what she needed to start her new family.

I forgot my camera, which I always do it seems. I had found a great picture from Making it Lovely, where her sister had made decorations using a clothesline, pins, and outfits. Our version turned out well, less handmade items and more cute onesies, but I loved it. My cupcakes were a hit, I was worried but they turned out! Hopefully someone took pictures so I can post them here.