A day of reckoning

God. I hope I don't get my period today. I'd prefer if it was for a good reason rather than just being late.

My boobs are huge, like Victoria secret huge. Which is alot for my size b cup.

Early in the month, I experienced a week worth of really bad cramping near a ovary. Normally I would say it was just normal ovulation, but I had to stop in a store twice to sit down during one of those cramps. I had made an appt, but it was a week out and the day before the appt, I was feeling fine. Ash really wants me to see someone about it, and he threw somewhat of a man-tantrum thinking I could have something wrong with me or worse causing us to not conceive. So the appt is rescheduled for tomorrow to appease the ash god.

My heart goes out to breeder beware. I haven't seen the update yet, but she was hoping for a positive yesterday! Here's hoping!

-- Post From My iPhone

To buy or to not buy....

Seriously.

I know from earlier posts that the whole pregnancy test thing might be worthless, and I say might be because I think I willed myself into believing my body won't show positive on a test like my mom....who conceived 4 unplanned children "just by looking at someone."

But I still can't seem to release the feeling of wanting to test, just in case.

Plus, now that I know I don't have that magical 29 day cycle thing, I could start tomorrow or a week from now. Thanks body! I can't wait to run to the bathroom, tampon in hand 15 times a day!

I am trying to come up with a game plan now that I have a new doctor and a brighter outlook (okay, a dim outlook, but it's better than dark) on this whole thing... see post here.

New things to try and ways to no longer save the money I was saving by stealing groceries -

Basal Thermometer
First Response Fertility Test
First Response Ovulation Test

Any thoughts on these?

Baby woes

Big family gathering Sunday and the introduction to life with new babies. The family was gaga, and I was able to get a few good moments with tempie. It was extremely trying emotionally to see my dad, who is hands down the one who yearns for grand baby most, hold her. A few comments brought me to a tear or two, I know no one meant it but sometimes no matter how you say something it can still hurt.

I must say that I never expected to find such a friend in my cousin...until she was pregnant we didn't have much in common. But, she is by far the most understanding and can just look at me and tell how I'm taking things. She's also the first to come to my rescue and help me get off of my lonely pity hill. During a rather fussy baby moment we snuck to a quiet room with baby and she did what only she can do best, make me feel okay and hopeful.

When I finally do get pregnant, I can't wait to share my experiences with her and look to her for guidance.... A new long life friendship has come out of all of this quiet rage of why me.


-- Post From My iPhone

100th post

So here it is...my hundredth post.
I envisioned this to be a much more vibrant, full of glee kind of a post. Unfortunately, both Ash and I experienced a wave of different emotions, from estatic and absolutely sure we were expecting, to crying and full of dread that this just isn't our month. I had a blood test on Monday, after having the biggest boobs Ive ever seen over the weekend. Although we don't have the results yet, my period seems to have started hours after the blood test. Ash is still hoping that the test shows positive and that this is just decidual bleeding...but my hopes have been throw into the disposal.

I am jacks bleeding heart.

I have that appt scheduled for Monday with a new doctor, hopefully well finally be on the right track with a doctor (and office) that actualy cares about getting us to our goal. We may hear from the old office with the blood tests results this week.. but like I said, it's pretty much a no in my book, and that's the hardest feeling to swallow.

And to top it off...

To all that filled my ears with "relax it will happen". SCREW YOU. I relaxed this last month in that there were other things stressful going on during my ovulation week, so we didn't focus on that...and guess what! We didn't get pregnant. Just because you got pregnant right away or by accident, does not make you the authority on how I should feel during this process. Spend a month in my shoes, I dare you.

To the one who made fun of my hopes and possibilty of being pregnant...FUCK OFF. If you were going to talk shit, you shouldn't have asked me about the whole thing like you actually cared. This is why nobody likes you. Just because we have to spend so much time together each week, I will tolerate you only with conversation about the weather and current news, if you dare ask about baby related topics, I swear I will cuss you out in front of everyone and embarass the hell out of you. Don't tempt me.

-- Post From My iPhone

Still here, laying in wait

Still waiting.

If you read my comments yesterday, you know I talked with my mom and found out that tests don't work for my type of people. People with thyroid problems... I guess there is a lot of people all over the Internet that have the same problem. Finding out at 10 weeks because tests didn't work for them, and some blood tests didn't work either.. A tlc show waiting to happen.

I am both thrilled and still unsure, I don't want this to turn out badly. I still feel I could be, still getting some odd symptoms I didn't even know were pregnancy symptoms. To continue my "list"...

That "burning" sensation- ok, it's not exactly like that, but it feels like a uti on it's way or that I need to go change a tampon. Tmi I know. But it's how this feels.

Boobs- big, then little, then big again. Veins totally visible last night, non existent this morning.

Holy gas batman- uncomfortable much?

Unhungry- never sounds good. Food that is.

Will hold off posts until results from blood test, should be Tuesday.

-- Post From My iPhone

8 more days...

8 more weary days until I can test to see if I am right or wrong about being pregnant. I am hoping I am wrong and that by miracle, I managed to conceive amid tons of stress and missed "connections."

A random thought to ponder...

You know when your seatbelt hits just so and you've just ate? Is that what it feels like to be pregnant? The pressure on your uterus, the bloat in the tummy? I was driving home today and that sensation came over me, not I think I'm pregnant, but thinking is that what a pregnant lady feels. Curious.

Headed to another death of my emotions...

The finally baby shower for April is today. Standing in the baby aisles yesterday to find a present was ridiculous, but at least I had a real purpose for being there instead of looking like a crazy lady eying babies in their strollers. So far since trying to make one of our own, I've been invited to four showers, FOUR in FOUR months, each one gets harder to attend. Just the pressure of my own mind while I am there kills...along with the questions of when yous. No one was pregnant it seems before we started trying...now everyone is and I am so jealous it is driving me batshit!

The Countdown begins...

I'm a little cranky, not gonna lie.

I look for symptoms that aren't there. I wait and wait for this two weeks to be over.

Went to dinner with a friend who is 13 weeks pregnant tonight, and amidst our conversation, she told me that even 4 or 5 days after ovulation that she just knew...

I don't think I'll be that accurate in feeling pregnant, just look at my last few months and their symptoms, and you'll realize I often think I might be when I am not. I'm at that 4 - 5 days past the big o, and the only thing I feel is a little grumpy.

Bear with me, ya'll. This looks to be a depressive few weeks!

Watching what you say...

Shit happens and often it's not coming from the tail end. Sometimes, what you put out of your mouth is just as bad as the stuff that comes out of your rear. In the past, I was exceptional at the latter. I talked fast and occasionally didn't think before words came out of my mouth. It was always something Ashley wanted me to work on, and now, I can truly say that I put alot of effort into this.

What does this have to do with this blog? Plenty.

Think about before you starting trying to have a baby. Think about the conversations you had about getting pregnant or your fertility.

I remember having a discussion with a coworker (during my insert foot in mouth phase) in which we were discussing the timing of baby. She was curious when we were going to start trying, and I informed her we were going to wait until December of 2008... because, well, I'm so fertile we'll be pregnant the first night we try. Little did I know, she had been trying for 3 years.

Now, we're both trying and I wish I could apologize for that conversation over and over again every time I talk to her.

A few days ago, someone asked me if I was pregnant yet, and while I was replying no, a "foot in mouth" kinda gal walked up and joined in on the conversation. She asked how long we'd been trying, I responded. She prompty announced "if we tried, we'd be pregnant right away, I'm soooooooo fertile"and "maybe you are not" ......and she's in her fifties. I could have body checked her without a second thought.

The other big thing I think that literally burns me to my bone are the phrases "well, maybe you aren't meant to have a baby" or "maybe you won't get pregnant" or "it will happen when the time is right/meant to be." I am not religious so the timing thing/meant to be thing is ridiculous, but I do believe that words can hurt and if you put something out there in the universe, maybe it will happen...so the last thing you should say to a person who is literally dreaming of being pregnant is maybe you won't be or that you are not meant to procreate. We are mammals, our entire purpose in life is to procreate and have our genes go on, so saying that it's not meant to be is like saying that your entire purpose for being is mute.

We've all probably said something to the like, either before we knew what we were saying or even as something meant to hurt. Before we started trying to get pregnant, we were super human fertiles, just waiting to burst out the first baby when we were ready. After month one, as the overwhelming sadness of that first failure took over, we became the wanters. Four months or four years...failure month after month becomes the same. And as a wanter, I just ask that people think about what they say, you never know what the person is going through on the other end of the conversation.

Preparing for baby showers...

I am not a religious person (and in the infertile or trying to conceive world, I may be the odd man out it appears) but lord...help me get through this weekend.

Crampy Crabby and Crafty

Yes, this sums up how I felt this past few days. Crampy and crabby.... pretty much my attitude towards periodness and the failure to procreate this past month. Crafty.... well, I've got two upcoming baby showers this month for family members... showers where I will be asked over and over and over again when Ashley and I are going to have a baby of our own. We'll be asked this so many times that if you see some news regarding a crazed woman that's taken hostages at Babies R Us over the weekend, you'll know who that woman is.

Just saying.

Although I am not going to be fond of the barrage of questions about babyness, I am fond of the new mamas to be, so if was only fair to make some cute things in my crafty way.

The diaper cake is a work in progress. I still need larger ribbon to finish it (try not to look at the mismatching ribbon). It's my first attempt at one, and I must say it is not nearly as expensive or difficult as it is made out to be. This is mostly for decorating a table at the shower, so the cake includes a ducky robe, baby lotion, baby shampoo, baby qtips, a handmade ducky rattle and diapers. It was roughly $20 to make.

The baby blanket is for stroller use mainly. It's about 24 x 18 and super soft. I took the extra time to finish some detailing so I guess if Babyzilla (the new grandma always calls me something with zilla on the end as a joke, I was the first bride in the family...aka bridezilla...so it's only fitting I call her grandbaby and my new 2nd cousin a zilla too) didn't like it, it can always be used as a wall hanging or doll blanket. Personally, I think it's adorable and I really hope she and her mom will enjoy it.

Wish me luck this weekend, I'm sure I'll post again before then... but I can use any support I can get to prepare me for "Are You" "Are You" "Are You" (spoken like the seagulls in Finding Nemo...mine! mine! mine!)

So...

It's 11pm. The last post I did was midnight Friday....and I asked for anti period dances. I tried making up dances all day, to the thrill of my coworkers and customers.... it might have worked. I've had some twinges and odd feeling of "maybe" periodness but nothing yet. Since I am pretty regular on the 29 day thing, so as of midnight tonight, I will officially be one day late. If all goes well over while I sleep the night away, I will test in the morning. I'm still 50/50 on this at the moment....and am not looking forward to the sleepness night ahead.

Spiritual Dances Welcome

I wonder if there is an anti period dance I could do. Anything to keep tomorrow from going downhill fast...

I don't feel amazing at the moment, lots of random body things to ponder over, and yet the dreaded pregnancy test reigns in true symbolism of "am I."

I ran by Walgreens today and picked up some tests, Clear blue Easy ones, which after researching yet again when I got home, I came to the realization these were the tests not to get. Most tests register at 25 units of hormone, while this one is at 50...so I could get a positive on a dollar store test and still get a negative from this one for 3-4 days. They had won me over with their digital "pregnant" and "not pregnant," and in the sheer want of a definite answer, I chose them over the more accurate ones. Oh well. Tomorrow should be the start of the new cycle, so I am going to hold off on the one test remaining until Sunday morning (a day late is a pretty good symptom in my book). What happened to the plural of the tests I spoke of earlier.....yeah, I pretty much ran to the bathroom as soon as I got home and low and behold it was "not pregnant."

Stupid test.

If Only...

While Ashley's little sisters are here, we tend to eat out alot. Case in point, what can be barely called chinese "Panda Express" (although quite tasty) is what we devoured at about 9pm last night. The girls have been nagging us about babies for about two years now, so Ashley and I have always been honest with them about the progress. They really want a niece or nephew now.

So, when we got to the fortune cookies, we all picked one out of the 15 they gave us and opened up. Mine is pictured above in the picture, the girls see this as a definite sign and promptly wrote their own to match below. Mine states: Any Doubts You May Have Will Disappear Early This Month. Theirs: Your Sister In Law is Prego.

I honestly couldn't tell you if it's true, as I didn't pick up any more tests last night, so I'll just wait until tomorrow to test and find out. Either way tomorrow is the do or die day, onto the next month of wonders and a new OV watch to try out... I just need to get a battery for it!

Dangit.

The chart below tells me if I don't get into the babiness....I will be getting the visit of a period on my birthday next month.... that really sucks.

Lame...

Lame is the new word for my pregnancy craze. I am lame. It's pretty much a negative this month and lemme tell you, I feel poopy about it.

I question the content on this blog lately because if it's going to take awhile to get pregnant, I may run out of content pretty soon.... how many times does anyone want to hear about the same things over and over again. I think I'm going to add in some of my life into this mix, see what it brings! Since the baby making is a big part, I think it will still hold a dominant presence here on the blog.

Dammit

Cramps suck. I'm tired. I hurt...

and we've got another 4 days or so until we can start trying again!

The Pains

Not a day after I test for babyness, my period starts. I forgot how awful cramps can be. After being on Depo for over about 8 years....I had forgotten how much I hate being a female. I stopped the depo a year ago so it's slowly been coming back.

I can't wait to get back on the good stuff after we have this unmade baby.

Technically...

Technically we've only been trying for 30 days now...if you want to get even more technical we've only been trying for two weeks since that's around the time that egg became ripe even to want to think about becoming a baby. Most of our friends and family know we are at this stage....yet every time I talk to them on the phone or in person, their first question is "Are you PREGNANT yet?" Really? REALLY? It can take up to a year for an average couple to conceive, we are not SUPER HUMANS! In fact, with the traveling my husband has to do for work, and our completely opposite schedules, we're lucky to get it on twice a week....and that's if we are lucky....