Hanging out in the pit of doom

A pit full of bellies and babies.

I am waiting at my doctors office, at the one and only spot it seems to hang out for those blessed with babiness. I rarely go to appts after whatever infliction I felt is gone, but I don't want to deal with the ash tantrum again. So here I am, wasting a 20 dollar copay to tell a doctor I once experienced what will sound like a extreme case of ovulation.

It also is d day number two. I should have started yesterday or maybe today. I have this painful tumor in my head that makes me hold out in hope...when I know I should just stop by the store and pick up some damned tampons and be done with it.



-- Post From My iPhone

A day of reckoning

God. I hope I don't get my period today. I'd prefer if it was for a good reason rather than just being late.

My boobs are huge, like Victoria secret huge. Which is alot for my size b cup.

Early in the month, I experienced a week worth of really bad cramping near a ovary. Normally I would say it was just normal ovulation, but I had to stop in a store twice to sit down during one of those cramps. I had made an appt, but it was a week out and the day before the appt, I was feeling fine. Ash really wants me to see someone about it, and he threw somewhat of a man-tantrum thinking I could have something wrong with me or worse causing us to not conceive. So the appt is rescheduled for tomorrow to appease the ash god.

My heart goes out to breeder beware. I haven't seen the update yet, but she was hoping for a positive yesterday! Here's hoping!

-- Post From My iPhone

A time for spending

I'm taking a few weeks off from couponing. Our pantry is full, we've got enough to live off for a few weeks without much need for groceries (just the basics..milk, bread, and eggs). I am on a spending craze. It really feels good to take a break and buy clothes and good yummy wine without a thought about coupons. I think this will be a good routine for me so I don't get burnt out on saving money.

What I have realized is that I tend to focus all of my attention in one direction at a time.... Baby... Groceries... Whatever. Now with the hiatus from groceries, I'm back to countdown to periodoom and the onset of boobwatch. Ah, what fun!

-- Post From My iPhone

An unsuccessful attempt

Tried to have a garage sale, my OCD clutter phobia was on overdrive and my closets were calling for a cleaning. Mistakely, I chose late June to have this summer barrel of fun...rain and freezing! Yah!

I have so far sold 4 dollars in two days, and have had less visitors then come to this site in an hour! Maybe I should just do it here!

I figure it's not hitting the right clientele base, I don't own crap and dustables just as figurines.... I have alot of contemporary stuff that just didn't fit into the color scheme I planned for this house. Oh well.

It's only 9am and this thing is supposed to go until 2. 5 bucks bets I don't last past 11am.

In other general news: making my pantry full and o'plenty. Working hard. Nephew is to be born Sunday or Monday (4 years of trying and 3 invitros later).

Starting to wonder what's up with my body: cramping every day even just a week past period and the periods are lasting a long time (7days) last few months. I think it's time for a visit to "swoon" doctor.

-- Post From My iPhone

Caught myself

I checked the calendar and I think I'm at 10 days past ovulation. I should be slapped on the hand. Why do I put myself through this torture?

Standing in the time out corner.

Thankfully, with last month's mistaken symptoms, I think I learned my lesson. My gigantic sore boobs and sweet tooth are just signs my period is on the way. Not that I'm surprised at this point.

Such is life.

(in grocery news, I managed to get 190 worth of groceries for about 40 bucks!)

-- Post From My iPhone

The hardest part

I'm definitely in the two week wait, but I'm trying not to pay attention to the chart. I don't want to think about it, but that is hard to do with two new babies in the family and the constant question of am I. I am a pretty honest person and am usually up front about my life with people, but that has backfired a little because now everyone is aware that we've been trying, hence the am I question.

I try not to think about what could be.. It would make my day to get pregnant for fathers day, hell, it would make my year. This blog is going to get scarce of symptoms this time around because of last month and the deep disappoint we faced of thinking we could really be pregnant. I know you all who read this have been through that trial, it sucks and I just can't handle doing it again this month.

I feel like a debbie downer, but I'll try to fill the space with groceies and other tidbits of randomness I can think of while I pretend I won't focus on pregnancy symptoms.

100th post

So here it is...my hundredth post.
I envisioned this to be a much more vibrant, full of glee kind of a post. Unfortunately, both Ash and I experienced a wave of different emotions, from estatic and absolutely sure we were expecting, to crying and full of dread that this just isn't our month. I had a blood test on Monday, after having the biggest boobs Ive ever seen over the weekend. Although we don't have the results yet, my period seems to have started hours after the blood test. Ash is still hoping that the test shows positive and that this is just decidual bleeding...but my hopes have been throw into the disposal.

I am jacks bleeding heart.

I have that appt scheduled for Monday with a new doctor, hopefully well finally be on the right track with a doctor (and office) that actualy cares about getting us to our goal. We may hear from the old office with the blood tests results this week.. but like I said, it's pretty much a no in my book, and that's the hardest feeling to swallow.

And to top it off...

To all that filled my ears with "relax it will happen". SCREW YOU. I relaxed this last month in that there were other things stressful going on during my ovulation week, so we didn't focus on that...and guess what! We didn't get pregnant. Just because you got pregnant right away or by accident, does not make you the authority on how I should feel during this process. Spend a month in my shoes, I dare you.

To the one who made fun of my hopes and possibilty of being pregnant...FUCK OFF. If you were going to talk shit, you shouldn't have asked me about the whole thing like you actually cared. This is why nobody likes you. Just because we have to spend so much time together each week, I will tolerate you only with conversation about the weather and current news, if you dare ask about baby related topics, I swear I will cuss you out in front of everyone and embarass the hell out of you. Don't tempt me.

-- Post From My iPhone

Still here, laying in wait

Still waiting.

If you read my comments yesterday, you know I talked with my mom and found out that tests don't work for my type of people. People with thyroid problems... I guess there is a lot of people all over the Internet that have the same problem. Finding out at 10 weeks because tests didn't work for them, and some blood tests didn't work either.. A tlc show waiting to happen.

I am both thrilled and still unsure, I don't want this to turn out badly. I still feel I could be, still getting some odd symptoms I didn't even know were pregnancy symptoms. To continue my "list"...

That "burning" sensation- ok, it's not exactly like that, but it feels like a uti on it's way or that I need to go change a tampon. Tmi I know. But it's how this feels.

Boobs- big, then little, then big again. Veins totally visible last night, non existent this morning.

Holy gas batman- uncomfortable much?

Unhungry- never sounds good. Food that is.

Will hold off posts until results from blood test, should be Tuesday.

-- Post From My iPhone

An Upgrade

I've gone from peeing on a dollar, to peeing on 5 dollars since yesterday.

Still waiting for something to happen, and it certainly isn't happening in pee stick form.

I wish that nature had a way of instant pregnancy knowledge, like your thumb nail turning neon purple. Not only would it help us who are trying to get pregnant know a lot sooner, it would also bring down the instances of alcohol and or drug abuse, if you have a purple thumb nail, you don't get served at the bar type of thing. If this were to happen, I and thousands of others, could turn this economic crisis around on our own....with all of the extra cash we would then have not being dumped on pregnancy tests, we could go out and buy stuff. Brilliant.

I am fighting the urge to go and have a blood test done. To be perfectly honest, I don't want it to come out that I'm not pregnant.....it's too close to my heart now. For those of you who think maybe this is just my imagination....your mind may be able to fake pregnancy symptoms because they also happen to be period ones, but 5 days late when I never am is something I can't fake.

If I went today and had one done, I would know in 4 or 5 days. That is just way too long for me. It might be the best way though, save the heartache every morning of one line smacking me between the eyes. I did my research yesterday....did you know that a small percentage of women see negatives on pee sticks until they are 8 weeks along! 8 weeks! Some at 12 weeks!

I would have to be one of those wouldn't I....? Couldn't go the whole normal route, gotta throw some kind of f*ing drama in for flair. Some even show negative on blood work. I would have thought these two tests of "are you" would be solid, apparently not. So even if I have it done, and it comes back negative, and my period doesn't show...I will still go around wondering could I. Thanks internet!

On a side note, this is my 98th post. In three months! Funny enough, you know I'll be posting tomorrow (99) and on sunday...(100). Look forward to seeing some more pee stick drama over the weekend. I really want my 100 post to be a positive, ironic being 100th (a celebration in itself) and being Mothers Day (better be positive...otherwise I'll be moping around sad, shaking fist in the air at the sky.)

Wait for it...

I just spoke with the appt taker at that doctors office I want to switch to, the one with the free pregnancy testing. I made a new patient appt with a doctor who also does ob. The appt isn't until May 18th. Being that is so fat away I could go apeshit and become a recluse of the downstairs bathroom, peeing over and over again on tests and giggling all crazy like... I told her about my lateness. She suggested to wait just a few more days and then come in. 4 days late is too early for good results.

I had to be that person. The one that tests may or may not work for.

Thanks to my soul mate, the precious (read iPhone,) I've been able to track fertility with an app from fertilityfriend.com. I am somewhere between 15 and 18 dpo (starting to think I may have just ovulated late) and have been able to note some very interesting symptoms.

Hello girls- larger more sensitive boobs last night.

1point Af versus 1point pregnant

Damn I'm pale- veins meet my torso and lady friends.

1 point Af vs 2point pregnant

Who needs an alarm- new functional 7am brain. (started at 8:15, then 8, then 7:30, this morning 6:15.)

1point Af vs 2point pregnant vs 1point insomnia

Sitting now- walk up stairs, need to sit. Take shower, need to sit.

2points Af vs 3points pregnant vs 1 point insomnia.

I am Melissa's uterus- pleased to meet you. Oh that... I just wanted to pinch myself and make sure you were paying attention.

2points Af vs 4 points pregnant vs 1 point insomnia.

To be continued...

-- Post From My iPhone.

And it's still not here

Depending on when Ive read, or that watch... I should have ovulated on the 21st or the 20th. I don't know if that was true, I didn't really have any signs that I did. I am 14 or 15 days past at the moment.

The signs or symptoms I have had...

Waking up on my own before 7:30, very very out of the ordinary for me.

Sharp unhappy twinges near my ovary (I don't wanna know what possibly could be just yet)

A slight headache, could be the not sleeping in.

Really painful and restless legs, I worked out in the yard for an hour early last week... But this is five days later and my legs are so tired I have to take multiple breaks at work.

But still not pregnant says the sporcle stick....

A local doctors office that I would be using as my ob offers free pregnancy tests, I am just hesitent to go in because I don't want the wrong result, but I am close to breaking down to get this taken care of. If those twinges in my ovary area are what I think it is....I should get in for an exam anyhow.

-- Post From My iPhone

Last day of hope

So today is it. Tomorrow is d-day. Even with the small symptoms here and there, all hope is gone for April. Moving on.

I spotted again last night and I have a wee little upset tummy thing going on... but we did go out last night and celebrated more than usual. Two midori sours and a caramel apple martini, thank you very much.

It was a blast. Last year ended with me in fits of crying in the bathroom at home, this year I just planned my own function to keep the crying done to a minimum. (no one planned anything, and those who wanted to thought someone else was..it was a clusterf&@$ for sure.)

-- Post From My iPhone

False Hope

As I am not looking at pregnancy symptoms this time around, I thought I'd have it easy....I either am or not. But I can't fake a little spotting that happened over last night. I haven't had that before, but I know that it can be common before a period. I'm not trying to instill false hope in something that isn't there, but hell, I can't help it. I'm still new at this, which means I still hang out until the last possible second and swear up and down this is it. I've only been burned 4 times so far. There is still awhile to go before I hate getting up these four days before my period because I know it will start badly with a fat negative staring me in the face. There is still small glimmers of hope in my mind everytime I pee on that dollar, hoping that maybe this is the lucky dollar.

Early Birthday Amazingness..

Seriously, Ash has had his fair share of duds when it comes to gifts. See here.

But, this morning, a full 5 days before my birthday...a UPS truck happened upon my door. Ash was still asleep and I tossed the package on the table thinking it was another tool for his xbox controller thing he's making. He stumbled down the stairs and told me that I'd better open it.

Low and behold! New Iphone! OMG OMG OMG

We agreed that he needed one at the beginning of this year and that I would wait until the end of the year to get my own, due to how expensive it is. I have been hinting at wanting one, if he asked me a question about an address or movie times, I would bring out my imaginary iphone and pretend to find the answer. Hint Taken!

It came at a great time. I knew this month was not working, only 5 days until my period and I have zero symptoms...including pms symptoms (odd, really). My boobs haven't started hurting and I don't have super acne face. I can't even claim "maybe pregnant" symptoms, dammit!

Did you see both my period and my birthday are coming on the same day...super excited, let me tell you.

8 more days...

8 more weary days until I can test to see if I am right or wrong about being pregnant. I am hoping I am wrong and that by miracle, I managed to conceive amid tons of stress and missed "connections."

A random thought to ponder...

You know when your seatbelt hits just so and you've just ate? Is that what it feels like to be pregnant? The pressure on your uterus, the bloat in the tummy? I was driving home today and that sensation came over me, not I think I'm pregnant, but thinking is that what a pregnant lady feels. Curious.

Headed to another death of my emotions...

The finally baby shower for April is today. Standing in the baby aisles yesterday to find a present was ridiculous, but at least I had a real purpose for being there instead of looking like a crazy lady eying babies in their strollers. So far since trying to make one of our own, I've been invited to four showers, FOUR in FOUR months, each one gets harder to attend. Just the pressure of my own mind while I am there kills...along with the questions of when yous. No one was pregnant it seems before we started trying...now everyone is and I am so jealous it is driving me batshit!

The Countdown begins...

I'm a little cranky, not gonna lie.

I look for symptoms that aren't there. I wait and wait for this two weeks to be over.

Went to dinner with a friend who is 13 weeks pregnant tonight, and amidst our conversation, she told me that even 4 or 5 days after ovulation that she just knew...

I don't think I'll be that accurate in feeling pregnant, just look at my last few months and their symptoms, and you'll realize I often think I might be when I am not. I'm at that 4 - 5 days past the big o, and the only thing I feel is a little grumpy.

Bear with me, ya'll. This looks to be a depressive few weeks!

So...

It's 11pm. The last post I did was midnight Friday....and I asked for anti period dances. I tried making up dances all day, to the thrill of my coworkers and customers.... it might have worked. I've had some twinges and odd feeling of "maybe" periodness but nothing yet. Since I am pretty regular on the 29 day thing, so as of midnight tonight, I will officially be one day late. If all goes well over while I sleep the night away, I will test in the morning. I'm still 50/50 on this at the moment....and am not looking forward to the sleepness night ahead.

Spiritual Dances Welcome

I wonder if there is an anti period dance I could do. Anything to keep tomorrow from going downhill fast...

I don't feel amazing at the moment, lots of random body things to ponder over, and yet the dreaded pregnancy test reigns in true symbolism of "am I."

I ran by Walgreens today and picked up some tests, Clear blue Easy ones, which after researching yet again when I got home, I came to the realization these were the tests not to get. Most tests register at 25 units of hormone, while this one is at 50...so I could get a positive on a dollar store test and still get a negative from this one for 3-4 days. They had won me over with their digital "pregnant" and "not pregnant," and in the sheer want of a definite answer, I chose them over the more accurate ones. Oh well. Tomorrow should be the start of the new cycle, so I am going to hold off on the one test remaining until Sunday morning (a day late is a pretty good symptom in my book). What happened to the plural of the tests I spoke of earlier.....yeah, I pretty much ran to the bathroom as soon as I got home and low and behold it was "not pregnant."

Stupid test.

Still the same

Another negative today. Sweet Jesus this is killing me.

I've had some cramping yesterday and today, so my period is probably right on track for Saturday. Funny that before I started jotting down any and all things going on with my body that the only "sign" I thought I had of a period coming was severe cramps two to three hours before I started. I now know that I have a good variety of PMS and other symptoms up to a week before my period!

I still cling onto the last bits of hope for this month.. the ovulation ticker at the bottom of this blog suggests that a negative test could just be a too early test on today's date. I really hope this is the answer. I'm officially out of tests, and with only two days to go, I don't know whether to buckle down and get some of the good tests, or just swing by the dollar store tomorrow and pick up some more cheapies.

Even Ash is slightly irritated at this whole process, he says it's just frustrating to keep getting negatives... as least he isn't thinking about it 24 hours a day all month like good ol' crazy here.

I was talking with my brother (see previous posts) Adam and he made me feel a little more normal for thinking about strangling the next person to tell me "just stop trying, it will happen when you stop thinking about it." I'm glad violence runs in our family when it comes to that statement! Try and stop thinking about....what you are eating, drinking, feeling...just stop seeing all of those teenage moms wander thru macys on their way to the food court with newborn infants in umbrella strollers, screaming their heads off, and their mom shaking the stroller to get them to stop...instead of supporting their child's bouncing head and look around...do you see a bottle or a diaper bag, NO... because clearly these people can procreate and make AMAZING parents. Sorry, that rant is coming from an internal desire to slap someone for telling me to not think about it... people who make good parents worry about things related to the making and raising of a child.

12 Days past Ovulation..

Most people would give up at this point. Lots of people would have tested positive already or decided this was moot and just dealt with the fact that it wasn't gonna happen this month. I'm just not one of those people. I really want to see how this one goes... hell, I almost bought more tests on the way home.

The worst part is that the symptoms I am feeling could be nothing more than a period on it's way. My boobs are sore, and EXTRA sore at night. I have been EXTRA super tired today, not tired enough for naps, but definitely enough to wish I could close my eyes for a minute or two. And, if you haven't already been put off from the sheer amounts of TMI (really? maybe we can find you another blog to read?) I've peed three times as much that I normally do on an average day. Anyone reading pregnant or been pregnant....ever had short uterine cramps after peeing? Just thinking into everything...

Sounds all too good to be true. I swear I will go bat shit insane if it's all in vain!