Hanging out in the pit of doom

A pit full of bellies and babies.

I am waiting at my doctors office, at the one and only spot it seems to hang out for those blessed with babiness. I rarely go to appts after whatever infliction I felt is gone, but I don't want to deal with the ash tantrum again. So here I am, wasting a 20 dollar copay to tell a doctor I once experienced what will sound like a extreme case of ovulation.

It also is d day number two. I should have started yesterday or maybe today. I have this painful tumor in my head that makes me hold out in hope...when I know I should just stop by the store and pick up some damned tampons and be done with it.



-- Post From My iPhone

A day of reckoning

God. I hope I don't get my period today. I'd prefer if it was for a good reason rather than just being late.

My boobs are huge, like Victoria secret huge. Which is alot for my size b cup.

Early in the month, I experienced a week worth of really bad cramping near a ovary. Normally I would say it was just normal ovulation, but I had to stop in a store twice to sit down during one of those cramps. I had made an appt, but it was a week out and the day before the appt, I was feeling fine. Ash really wants me to see someone about it, and he threw somewhat of a man-tantrum thinking I could have something wrong with me or worse causing us to not conceive. So the appt is rescheduled for tomorrow to appease the ash god.

My heart goes out to breeder beware. I haven't seen the update yet, but she was hoping for a positive yesterday! Here's hoping!

-- Post From My iPhone

A time for spending

I'm taking a few weeks off from couponing. Our pantry is full, we've got enough to live off for a few weeks without much need for groceries (just the basics..milk, bread, and eggs). I am on a spending craze. It really feels good to take a break and buy clothes and good yummy wine without a thought about coupons. I think this will be a good routine for me so I don't get burnt out on saving money.

What I have realized is that I tend to focus all of my attention in one direction at a time.... Baby... Groceries... Whatever. Now with the hiatus from groceries, I'm back to countdown to periodoom and the onset of boobwatch. Ah, what fun!

-- Post From My iPhone

An unsuccessful attempt

Tried to have a garage sale, my OCD clutter phobia was on overdrive and my closets were calling for a cleaning. Mistakely, I chose late June to have this summer barrel of fun...rain and freezing! Yah!

I have so far sold 4 dollars in two days, and have had less visitors then come to this site in an hour! Maybe I should just do it here!

I figure it's not hitting the right clientele base, I don't own crap and dustables just as figurines.... I have alot of contemporary stuff that just didn't fit into the color scheme I planned for this house. Oh well.

It's only 9am and this thing is supposed to go until 2. 5 bucks bets I don't last past 11am.

In other general news: making my pantry full and o'plenty. Working hard. Nephew is to be born Sunday or Monday (4 years of trying and 3 invitros later).

Starting to wonder what's up with my body: cramping every day even just a week past period and the periods are lasting a long time (7days) last few months. I think it's time for a visit to "swoon" doctor.

-- Post From My iPhone

To buy or to not buy....

Seriously.

I know from earlier posts that the whole pregnancy test thing might be worthless, and I say might be because I think I willed myself into believing my body won't show positive on a test like my mom....who conceived 4 unplanned children "just by looking at someone."

But I still can't seem to release the feeling of wanting to test, just in case.

Plus, now that I know I don't have that magical 29 day cycle thing, I could start tomorrow or a week from now. Thanks body! I can't wait to run to the bathroom, tampon in hand 15 times a day!

I am trying to come up with a game plan now that I have a new doctor and a brighter outlook (okay, a dim outlook, but it's better than dark) on this whole thing... see post here.

New things to try and ways to no longer save the money I was saving by stealing groceries -

Basal Thermometer
First Response Fertility Test
First Response Ovulation Test

Any thoughts on these?

Caught myself

I checked the calendar and I think I'm at 10 days past ovulation. I should be slapped on the hand. Why do I put myself through this torture?

Standing in the time out corner.

Thankfully, with last month's mistaken symptoms, I think I learned my lesson. My gigantic sore boobs and sweet tooth are just signs my period is on the way. Not that I'm surprised at this point.

Such is life.

(in grocery news, I managed to get 190 worth of groceries for about 40 bucks!)

-- Post From My iPhone

100th post

So here it is...my hundredth post.
I envisioned this to be a much more vibrant, full of glee kind of a post. Unfortunately, both Ash and I experienced a wave of different emotions, from estatic and absolutely sure we were expecting, to crying and full of dread that this just isn't our month. I had a blood test on Monday, after having the biggest boobs Ive ever seen over the weekend. Although we don't have the results yet, my period seems to have started hours after the blood test. Ash is still hoping that the test shows positive and that this is just decidual bleeding...but my hopes have been throw into the disposal.

I am jacks bleeding heart.

I have that appt scheduled for Monday with a new doctor, hopefully well finally be on the right track with a doctor (and office) that actualy cares about getting us to our goal. We may hear from the old office with the blood tests results this week.. but like I said, it's pretty much a no in my book, and that's the hardest feeling to swallow.

And to top it off...

To all that filled my ears with "relax it will happen". SCREW YOU. I relaxed this last month in that there were other things stressful going on during my ovulation week, so we didn't focus on that...and guess what! We didn't get pregnant. Just because you got pregnant right away or by accident, does not make you the authority on how I should feel during this process. Spend a month in my shoes, I dare you.

To the one who made fun of my hopes and possibilty of being pregnant...FUCK OFF. If you were going to talk shit, you shouldn't have asked me about the whole thing like you actually cared. This is why nobody likes you. Just because we have to spend so much time together each week, I will tolerate you only with conversation about the weather and current news, if you dare ask about baby related topics, I swear I will cuss you out in front of everyone and embarass the hell out of you. Don't tempt me.

-- Post From My iPhone

Still here, laying in wait

Still waiting.

If you read my comments yesterday, you know I talked with my mom and found out that tests don't work for my type of people. People with thyroid problems... I guess there is a lot of people all over the Internet that have the same problem. Finding out at 10 weeks because tests didn't work for them, and some blood tests didn't work either.. A tlc show waiting to happen.

I am both thrilled and still unsure, I don't want this to turn out badly. I still feel I could be, still getting some odd symptoms I didn't even know were pregnancy symptoms. To continue my "list"...

That "burning" sensation- ok, it's not exactly like that, but it feels like a uti on it's way or that I need to go change a tampon. Tmi I know. But it's how this feels.

Boobs- big, then little, then big again. Veins totally visible last night, non existent this morning.

Holy gas batman- uncomfortable much?

Unhungry- never sounds good. Food that is.

Will hold off posts until results from blood test, should be Tuesday.

-- Post From My iPhone

An Upgrade

I've gone from peeing on a dollar, to peeing on 5 dollars since yesterday.

Still waiting for something to happen, and it certainly isn't happening in pee stick form.

I wish that nature had a way of instant pregnancy knowledge, like your thumb nail turning neon purple. Not only would it help us who are trying to get pregnant know a lot sooner, it would also bring down the instances of alcohol and or drug abuse, if you have a purple thumb nail, you don't get served at the bar type of thing. If this were to happen, I and thousands of others, could turn this economic crisis around on our own....with all of the extra cash we would then have not being dumped on pregnancy tests, we could go out and buy stuff. Brilliant.

I am fighting the urge to go and have a blood test done. To be perfectly honest, I don't want it to come out that I'm not pregnant.....it's too close to my heart now. For those of you who think maybe this is just my imagination....your mind may be able to fake pregnancy symptoms because they also happen to be period ones, but 5 days late when I never am is something I can't fake.

If I went today and had one done, I would know in 4 or 5 days. That is just way too long for me. It might be the best way though, save the heartache every morning of one line smacking me between the eyes. I did my research yesterday....did you know that a small percentage of women see negatives on pee sticks until they are 8 weeks along! 8 weeks! Some at 12 weeks!

I would have to be one of those wouldn't I....? Couldn't go the whole normal route, gotta throw some kind of f*ing drama in for flair. Some even show negative on blood work. I would have thought these two tests of "are you" would be solid, apparently not. So even if I have it done, and it comes back negative, and my period doesn't show...I will still go around wondering could I. Thanks internet!

On a side note, this is my 98th post. In three months! Funny enough, you know I'll be posting tomorrow (99) and on sunday...(100). Look forward to seeing some more pee stick drama over the weekend. I really want my 100 post to be a positive, ironic being 100th (a celebration in itself) and being Mothers Day (better be positive...otherwise I'll be moping around sad, shaking fist in the air at the sky.)

And it's still not here

Depending on when Ive read, or that watch... I should have ovulated on the 21st or the 20th. I don't know if that was true, I didn't really have any signs that I did. I am 14 or 15 days past at the moment.

The signs or symptoms I have had...

Waking up on my own before 7:30, very very out of the ordinary for me.

Sharp unhappy twinges near my ovary (I don't wanna know what possibly could be just yet)

A slight headache, could be the not sleeping in.

Really painful and restless legs, I worked out in the yard for an hour early last week... But this is five days later and my legs are so tired I have to take multiple breaks at work.

But still not pregnant says the sporcle stick....

A local doctors office that I would be using as my ob offers free pregnancy tests, I am just hesitent to go in because I don't want the wrong result, but I am close to breaking down to get this taken care of. If those twinges in my ovary area are what I think it is....I should get in for an exam anyhow.

-- Post From My iPhone

Period Watch 09'

I've got a new title for this mother of all craze I'm in...Period Watch 09'

Seriously, I have never in my life focused so much on my period, my body, and had such an inability to think of anything besides Baby. Ash is in on it too. He asks more questions now about how I'm feeling and what I'm thinking about, if my period has started, and if I'm okay.

Even during my period, I'm watching for signs that maybe it's letting up early...maybe it's just implantation. This one is less crampy, and a lot less heavy than normal. I'd be stupid to test. Really, Really stupid. I gotta say it one more time so I don't rush to the bathroom right now and test... really REALLY stupid!

Another one bites the dust...

I had the unlucky 4am wake up today. Thankfully I was dreaming that I had started my period and was smart enough to wake myself up and check. I am Jack's Utter Disappointment.

I was almost crazy enough to test anyway...but this one is like all others, enough to knock you down for days 1 and 2.

Onto the next month, a new OV watch to try, and hey...maybe that crazy lady had it all along, maybe I'll be pregnant in May.

So...

It's 11pm. The last post I did was midnight Friday....and I asked for anti period dances. I tried making up dances all day, to the thrill of my coworkers and customers.... it might have worked. I've had some twinges and odd feeling of "maybe" periodness but nothing yet. Since I am pretty regular on the 29 day thing, so as of midnight tonight, I will officially be one day late. If all goes well over while I sleep the night away, I will test in the morning. I'm still 50/50 on this at the moment....and am not looking forward to the sleepness night ahead.

Spiritual Dances Welcome

I wonder if there is an anti period dance I could do. Anything to keep tomorrow from going downhill fast...

I don't feel amazing at the moment, lots of random body things to ponder over, and yet the dreaded pregnancy test reigns in true symbolism of "am I."

I ran by Walgreens today and picked up some tests, Clear blue Easy ones, which after researching yet again when I got home, I came to the realization these were the tests not to get. Most tests register at 25 units of hormone, while this one is at 50...so I could get a positive on a dollar store test and still get a negative from this one for 3-4 days. They had won me over with their digital "pregnant" and "not pregnant," and in the sheer want of a definite answer, I chose them over the more accurate ones. Oh well. Tomorrow should be the start of the new cycle, so I am going to hold off on the one test remaining until Sunday morning (a day late is a pretty good symptom in my book). What happened to the plural of the tests I spoke of earlier.....yeah, I pretty much ran to the bathroom as soon as I got home and low and behold it was "not pregnant."

Stupid test.

Still the same

Another negative today. Sweet Jesus this is killing me.

I've had some cramping yesterday and today, so my period is probably right on track for Saturday. Funny that before I started jotting down any and all things going on with my body that the only "sign" I thought I had of a period coming was severe cramps two to three hours before I started. I now know that I have a good variety of PMS and other symptoms up to a week before my period!

I still cling onto the last bits of hope for this month.. the ovulation ticker at the bottom of this blog suggests that a negative test could just be a too early test on today's date. I really hope this is the answer. I'm officially out of tests, and with only two days to go, I don't know whether to buckle down and get some of the good tests, or just swing by the dollar store tomorrow and pick up some more cheapies.

Even Ash is slightly irritated at this whole process, he says it's just frustrating to keep getting negatives... as least he isn't thinking about it 24 hours a day all month like good ol' crazy here.

I was talking with my brother (see previous posts) Adam and he made me feel a little more normal for thinking about strangling the next person to tell me "just stop trying, it will happen when you stop thinking about it." I'm glad violence runs in our family when it comes to that statement! Try and stop thinking about....what you are eating, drinking, feeling...just stop seeing all of those teenage moms wander thru macys on their way to the food court with newborn infants in umbrella strollers, screaming their heads off, and their mom shaking the stroller to get them to stop...instead of supporting their child's bouncing head and look around...do you see a bottle or a diaper bag, NO... because clearly these people can procreate and make AMAZING parents. Sorry, that rant is coming from an internal desire to slap someone for telling me to not think about it... people who make good parents worry about things related to the making and raising of a child.

11 days past the big "O"

11 days.

Testing starts tomorrow (I am just going to pretend the other tests didn't happen). Small symptoms over the past few days, same as the last months before. I feel like a 14 year old boy everytime I check out my boobs for growth or soreness.. did they get bigger? well maybe. actually, YEAH! Small bouts of nausea all day (random and really short in length) and HELL YEAH my boobs are a little sore. I'm still unsure if it's just my normal period symptoms, as I've got little twinges of cramping and my standard single cystic spot of acne on the chin.

Feeling good about this month, not gonna lie.

Dangit.

The chart below tells me if I don't get into the babiness....I will be getting the visit of a period on my birthday next month.... that really sucks.

Lame...

Lame is the new word for my pregnancy craze. I am lame. It's pretty much a negative this month and lemme tell you, I feel poopy about it.

I question the content on this blog lately because if it's going to take awhile to get pregnant, I may run out of content pretty soon.... how many times does anyone want to hear about the same things over and over again. I think I'm going to add in some of my life into this mix, see what it brings! Since the baby making is a big part, I think it will still hold a dominant presence here on the blog.

Dammit

Cramps suck. I'm tired. I hurt...

and we've got another 4 days or so until we can start trying again!

The Pains

Not a day after I test for babyness, my period starts. I forgot how awful cramps can be. After being on Depo for over about 8 years....I had forgotten how much I hate being a female. I stopped the depo a year ago so it's slowly been coming back.

I can't wait to get back on the good stuff after we have this unmade baby.